Tuesday, October 28, 2014

...all part of the process.

Yep, it has been a while yet again. This time was a more purposeful break. I don't want to come across as targeting people or complaining, but just to express my thoughts, feelings, and processes and how to get to other side better than I was before. I convinced myself to stop blogging, because it seemed to hard to hear people's responses at that time. I was struggling with trying to be my….well there is more on that below…it is all part of the process.

I am so blessed by the friendships in my life. God uses them so much to encourage me and to help me keep going forward. I am officially divorced and I just moved out on my own with my kiddos in my own apartment. Wonderful yet terrifying all at the same time.

The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions of all sorts. I have left relationships, cut off relationships, developed new ones, gone deeper with previous relationships, and been encouraged and completely hurt by relationships all at the same time. I am grateful that I got the courage up to go see a therapist, a 'non-christian' one too. I wanted to get an outside perspective and someone that I could tell everything going on inside my little overflowing brain and my broken heart. It has been an incredible journey. I know and can feel myself getting stronger and learning to trust myself or rather God in me, instead of second guessing myself or trying to please everyone. Although difficult, I am loving who I am becoming and where I am at right now. I am making tons of mistakes and falling short every day, but I am so ok with that, because in it all I am learning the depth of God's incredible unconditional, full of grace love for me. It is unreal. I am learning to hear God for myself instead of through others. I am learning that if I make mistake, I am responsible for the outcome and I can't blame anyone else for it. I am learning that sin is just stuff. That is all. STUFF! We can put so much stock into sin and it is just something God uses to get us closer Him, if we let it. I feel like a 'grown up' for the first time in my life and it is the most odd, freeing, empowering, crazy feeling. This is my life, the life God gave to ME! I want to live it to the fullest and and enjoy every single moment of it.

My business is up and growing and I will get my first paycheck this month. I am celebrating :) Now I just need to keep moving forward and do the very best that I can to make improvements and grow. I have 3, with the potential of 6 (one of which will have several under him as well) doctors who I am billing for. It is crazy how I feel like this has been literally handed to me. I have had so many people be so willing to help me with each process. I am grateful. I get so nervous about how I am going to support my kids and all that, but I keep standing on the fact that God has given this to me and He will provide every step of the way, so there I said it out loud God :). He is truly is good.

I feel like now that I have finally just let go of the trying so hard to be the perfect Jamie i.e. the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect daughter, the perfect employee, the perfect christian (exhausting, I know) and life has felt like it has crumbled all around me, but I honestly feel like my life has become real. Life has value. Life is beautiful. I know who the 'real' people in my life are. I know who God really is in me. I don't fear like I used to. I am ok if you don't like me or disagree with me. It is my life. I get to live it.

Btw, my kids are also doing well. They definitely have their moments and things are hard for them as well, but I try to be as open and honest as I can with them about everything they feel they need to know (within reason). I am amazed at the questions they ask, the responses they give, and they way they are processing. I was so afraid because of what some said, so my only option was to be real with them and give them to God and I know that He is in work in each of their hearts. I have amazing kids.

Relief, joy, gladness, sadness, anger, anxiety, doubt, confusion, amazement, exhaustion, beauty, confidence, insecurity, HOPE, forgiveness, realness, rawness, honesty, trust, heartbreak, grief…these are just some of the emotions that have hit hard in the past month.

...it is all part of the process. Might as well enjoy it. :)

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Be Brave...

Somedays I wonder if I should continue to write down this process for others to see, because some just don't like it. Others don't allow people to process, they want the end result right now and if it isn't exact, it is being done incorrectly. I am such a people person. I love people, I love relationships. I love the ups and downs, the wonderfulness and the difficulty of relationships. I have also began to love just having space too, which is rare for me. I find that just being alone makes me feel safe and ok to just be me. It is difficult during hard times to not let people get under your skin or allow people to drown you in their opinions or where they think you should be. I understand people mean well, but sometimes I feel we just need to let people be and just love them through their process.

My reason for wanting to be brave and write out loud is because there isn't much resource out there that for Christians who have gone through divorce. There are plenty of resources for bashing the ex, which I don't want to do either. I hope to be a resource of fresh air and life giving for whomever needs it, even if it just to get it out from inside of me, that is good.

It has been 7 months since our separation began. It doesn't seem like 7 months. It feels like just a couple. The time flies by, but the individual days at times seems so long. The divorce will be final on September 25th. I think that day will be a very odd day that seems a little bittersweet.

I have begun seeing a 'secular' counselor which I feel is a really good thing as I can get a different perspective and they are completely removed from my relationships. I have gone 3 times and it has been very beneficial. One thing she said to me this week, that has stuck and that I am still grappling with, it if I were stripped of every relationship I had, would I still feel like I am worth something. I'm not entirely sure. I want to get to that point and honestly am not entirely sure how to get there yet either.   All part of the process. I am so grateful not to have to do life alone though and wouldn't ever want to. I know some the worlds greatest people and I often wonder how I got so lucky. But I agree with my counselor, that I need to think I'm valuable regardless of the relationships in my life.

My emotional breakdowns are happening a little less now. I have days where I don't cry, but I don't feel like doing anything, that is frustrating. One day I am happy about where I am and the next not so much.
The past couple of weeks have been sort of unemotional actually. More numb feeling than anything. I am not quite sure how to explain it.

I did make a decision to plan out a bunch of fun things to do with my kiddos this month before school starts, to help me get to a point of motivation, We hiked last weekend to Cecret Lake and saw the wildflowers, it was beautiful and wonderful to get out of the city. We are going to go horseback riding next weekend and then come home and have a picnic on the living room floor and play games. We also got tickets to the Timpanogos Story Telling festival. We are going on Friday night to the bedtime stories session. We all dress in our pajamas and get to eat donuts and listen to storytellers. I am super excited about that one :) This has all gotten me excited and helps a lot with where I am at in the process.

Friday, July 18, 2014

A jumbled mess of new thoughts

I have so many different thoughts in my head right now and I am just going to write them all down and leave them here. Something that I am learning is that any marriage can get through what looks like an impossible situation, but the key is that not just one person, but both people have to be completely committed to each other no matter what, to work through it. To do whatever it takes. You are only responsible for you. For your actions, your choices, and what you put in to any relationship, you can't make any one do something or change something. This divorce has been so incredibly challenging and the reality is that even though this is the farthest thing from what my desires were, I still have desires, I still have value, I have still have worth, God still has a beautiful plan for my life, he still has a beautiful plan for my kids' life, and my ex-husbands life. Because He is just good that way. He is a pro at redemption and showing off and loving us in the darkest of times.

I had a conversation last night with some of my girlfriends about how sometimes when we begin to find ourselves as human beings and even more as one of God's kids, we start to believe in the amazingness of who we are and what we have to give and offer back to God, to those around us, and to the world. It can look, to some, like a snobby kind of confidence, but it is the complete opposite. It is that through us standing up and speaking out and being exactly who God created us to be, we bring Him the ultimate glory, because we are created by Him to do what He asks of us to do.

One of my absolute favorite quotes is this:

It is absolute truth! So no matter what you are going through, no matter how raw you feel and empty and lonely the situation is, you are beautiful, worthy, made to be exactly who you were created to be and the hard situations and bad choices and wrong paths aren't what defines you.

These thoughts are rocking my world right now and taking me to higher and deeper places. I would be lying if I said I felt great and everything was doing better and I wasn't angry with God. All of those feelings are still a part of where I am at, but I am working on getting to the truth of the matter and pushing aside all of the myths. The truth sets us free!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The process.

Each day feels like it moves so slowly, but when I think of the time that has gone by, it has gone quickly. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. I am so grateful I have my wonderful kiddos that give me a reason to get out of bed and get moving. I am finding a bit more energy to get organized and have things move a little more smoothly. I think when I go through hard times, you can tell in my home. Things aren't very clean and organized the way I wish they would be. I would rather not be home to look at it either.

This next week, my kids are leaving for the first time away from me for a whole week. I have gone without them before, but as a married person. I keep trying to think of the things I will do while they are gone. This is just another reason I am so grateful I live with people and not alone. Granted I want to get to that point where I can live on my own, but for now I just need to be.

I have amazing people in life that I am incredibly grateful for and who mean well, but say things that just get me at times. I am a very emotional person who feels alot. Actually I feel everything and very deeply. I have heard everything from, want to smoke a joint, to lets go get drunk, to just turn on the tv and don't think about anything. Don't get me wrong, I have thought all of those things myself and have contemplated every one. But because I feel so much and because I believe God allows us to feel pain, there has to be a reason for it. So I am determined to face this and feel it in every area I have to feel it. Please, remind me of this when I am having breakdown. I don't want any of this to sneak up and bite me in the butt later in life. I want to know that I faced this and walked through it and laid it at the feet of Jesus and grew from it. It sounds so easy when I am typing it. It isn't. I think the hardest part for me is that I don't feel like I can help my kids much right now, even though I want to. I don't have answers, I don't know what to say, and if I did know what to say I would probably just be a basket case. I am tense all of the time and on edge with them. They have a watched a lot of tv lately, which I hate. I don't want them to process with tv either. I just have to trust that they will walk this out with God and hopefully I will be an example somehow of facing things and moving forward. We say a lot in our home that 'you can do hard things'. I don't want to remove a mountain from my child's path, but I want to teach them and help them climb it. That is easier said than done at times too. All a work in progress.

I bought a new car this week. First time I have ever bought a car from a dealership. I was raised to never do that. I did it. I have a bit of buyer's remorse because I have never paid more than $7,000 for a car in my life and I have had a lot of cars. I am also grateful though that I have a car that won't break down and that will be a good car for a while.

My business is moving really slow still. There are a lot of stand still moments where I just have to wait on other people and can't really move forward. It is frustrating at times, but again I am grateful that it isn't super crazy and stressful.

I have been angry at God. I don't want to talk to Him nor do I want Him to talk to me. It has been a while since I have. I guess I don't want to know what is next. I guess I didn't want it to hurt so much. I guess I don't know if I want Him to say 'He loves me', like He always does because I feel ashamed of where I am at in life right now. I know that He meets us where we are and I know He is so good, but I am frustrated and mad at the moment.

I am going to attempt to update weekly. We will see, especially because I said it hahaha! Hope today is a beautiful day for you!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Starting Over...

It has been a few years since I have written a blog post. I love to journal and write, but I find it difficult to find the time amongst everything else that is always going on. It is a great joy and great relief to write though and since I once again am going through another season of transition, I am hoping that this will help the process. Not to mention sharing our own struggles and successes with each other is real and hopefully brings hope and encouragement to each other. Life is full of dramatic changes, transitions, failures, successes, joy, happiness, tears and sorrow. I want to be great at living a life of gratefulness and simplicity in the midst of it all.

Although it has been such a long while, my transparency in life has not changed and I am still a pretty open book. So I will start by saying that I am walking through something I never thought would be possible in my life. I am going through a divorce. It grieves me to just say that. I don't want anyone to follow in my foot steps and I feel that I have just wanted to isolate and seclude myself from the world so that there wouldn't be anyone who would want to 'be like me'. I have never experienced grief the way I have during this process. I thought I was ok at first and then one morning woke up with incredible amount of pain in my gut and an emptiness that I can't explain. I didn't want to get out of bed and I felt like I couldn't breath. I have heard people say that the best way to get through hard things is to press into the pain. I believe that as well, but when this happened, I wasn't sure what that looked like and what it meant. God allows us to feel pain, so I believe there is a reason for it. So instead of numbing it, I have been determined to feel every single bit of it and to allow myself to experience all the different emotions that come with it as well. Feels a little awkward when you are grocery shopping and bawling your eyes down each isle, but I just don't care at the moment. I want to get it all out now. America doesn't do grief very well.

I am now a single mom with three beautiful little creatures that I still love and adore. I am starting over. I currently live in some very dear friends' basement and yes we are squished, but I feel very fortunate at this time to be here. I have started my own insurance billing business from home, that I didn't think would be as hard as it is, but it is taking forever. There has been a lot of favor along the way though and I am grateful. I ran my very first 5K in May, which has been something on my dream list for 3 years now. And last, but not least, we were building a home, that has obviously come to a halt and even if it didn't, we recently found out that our 2.5 acres of beauty, is unbuildable for a home. Oh the crazy lives we live.

So now what? Now, I am going to try to take it one day at a time. I am going to rediscover me and the things I love and cherish and I am going to start dreaming again. I want to face this pain and healing and get everything I can possibly get from it. I want to be the best mom I can be and I want to work really hard to be there and help my children walk through this process of transition that they got the short end of the stick in.

There is an update on my life. I will be try and update on individual things as I go. Just to warn you, this will be messy, this will be raw, but this is real life.