A Beautiful Mess

Gratefulness and Rest

2011-08-13T07:41:00.010-06:00

I went on a little much needed retreat over this past week. I have amazing friends and family who let me use their home to stay in and who took my kiddos for the 2 days, it was such a blessing. I feel like God has been trying to talk to me and I have been running, not sure why, but a reality struck me about a week ago, that I am addicted to busyness. Yikes! It's true. Although I would tell you that I hate being so busy, I create the busyness by feeling the need to be everywhere all the time doing everything, so I don't have to 'deal with' my stuff. I decided to make myself take 2 full days and retreat. I was dealing with some fear at first...what if God doesn't meet there or gives me the silent treatment or something. Or even worse what if He tells me is something I don't want to hear.

My first day I got all my stuff situated in the room, made sure I had some snacks and water, made sure my bags were in their right spot, made sure my toothbrush was on the bathroom sink, made sure there was toilet paper in the bathroom, made sure my pen was working, made sure that there were enough kleenex in the room and turned on some live IHOP webstream...and...started pacing the floor. Oh my goodness, sit down and shut your brain off, Jamie, I screamed and thus began the 'getting it all out' portion of my retreat. I yelled a whole lot of other stuff too, too R rated to blog about. I am so glad He can handle all that and He just listened. I cried and yelled and cried and yelled some more. It felt amazing. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke about an hour later, I felt completely different, the fear junk was not bugging me and I was able to just sit and read (still not in a listening place yet). I read more than I have read in years in one night. It was good stuff too! My eyes hurt when I went to bed. I slept so good and I had 3 dreams, yes 3. It was incredible. I woke up and wrote them all down.

I decided to go get some coffee so I could stay awake. There was a park with a field that was beautiful and calling my name, so I went straight to the middle of it and laid a blanket down and laid for 2 hours. It felt so amazing to just sit there with the sun on my face, there was a breeze blowing and I felt surrounded by the mountains. It was wonderful. I had an agenda to sit there and journal, but God started talking and I decided to just listen (finally). WOW! I kept thinking I should get up and write all this down, but I couldn't. He just kept talking and talking, it was beautiful, and it was just enough. He told me about how much He loves me and then told me about the dreams I had, and how much He loves me, then He told me about stuff in my marriage and about being a mom and how much He loves me, I am crying writing this because even though there was so much and it was so incredible it was so simple and easy. He met me right where I was. He is so good. He is faithful. That was my most favorite moment of the 2 days.

I went back to the house and read some more. I also felt compelled to read Song of Solomon in The Message Bible...Holy cow! :) Just read it. God is SO in love with us (His people, His church, You, Me). I thought it would be a great book for George and I to study together ;) hee hee hee.

I have been on this journey about finding 'me' for some time now and finally realize there really is no end point to it, we will discover more and more about ourselves as we grow and live in God, because there is so much to Him there is so much to us. I have said many times, I am so afraid to lose myself in the midst of being a mom and wife and that I need to keep up with 'me'. This is such a lie. If I am in God and He in me, then I am not going to 'lose myself'. We go through different seasons in life and I am in the season of being mom and wife. During this season I need to lay stuff in my 'self' down so that I can pour into my 3 blessings. This has been such a struggle for me, knowing how selfish I am and needing to stop being so selfish, but trying to hold on to keeping all my desires and dreams on the forefront. Not that I have to give those up, but they need to be laid down for a season or my kids will be shoved to the side for me to pursue them. The time with my kids is so so short. I want to not have any regrets about lost time with them when they are grown, so I am making a choice to give my family my all in this season and I absolutely believe that God will put more life to my desires and dreams in the end and I will have no regrets. That sounds like a win win to me :) This was a rather lengthy discussion I had with God too during these 2 days. It was good.

I also read through most of the prophetic words and words of encouragement I have received over the past while and that was very cool, several of them I read with such a new clearer perspective and had so much more understanding. I asked some of my closest friends a while back to write 5 things they liked about me. I decided to this because I had such a hard time seeing much good in me at the time. I read those too and I realized I have allowed so much ungratefulness and resentment to come in to my life, which is a large reason for the busyness. So many of the things people said was that I had so much joy, I kept wondering where it had gone. It didn't go anywhere, just needed to let go of some junk. It was so encouraging to read those and actually believe some of it now. I love seeing growth through tough long processes.

I ended up having to leave earlier then I planned to pick up my kids, but I think it was just enough time. I feel so refreshed and that I have purpose to focus on each day. I think I need to do this every few months to be honest. Maybe I wouldn't be so moody and ornery all the time...lol. Happy me, Happy wife, Happy mom, Happy home :).

December 2009

2011-08-10T14:00:00.006-06:00

This an article I was writing for magazine that my sister was going to start, but ended up not doing it. I read it today was encouraged by what it said :) So I figured I would share it. It is an unfinished work, but I still iked it. I love reading things I wrote in the past, I can see wisdom and growth that I didn't see then that I had or see growth through a process. I am learning to really enjoy myself lately and although it takes great strength some days, if I don't enjoy myself then I won't enjoy anything. OK, now I am blabbing on...enjoy.

My name is Jamie and I would like to tell you a little about me and give you a glimpse about the things that you will get out of reading my articles. I am in the midst of learning who who I am, which I am sure I will continue to learn the rest of my life. It is an exciting adventure full of ups and downs and all a rounds. So my utmost goal is to be me and make you laugh hysterically, cry continually, and snort a bit too. I hope you finish reading and feel completely encouraged that life has so much in it and how God wants you to enjoy the simplicity of life. I totally believe that there is no pad answer to your life and how to be a wife, a mom, a daughter, or anyone. The only real answer is to look inside of you and discover who God is in you and go for it.

A really hard part of the process that God has me in is that during the breaking down of who I thought I was, was the not so pretty in between person hanging around for a while that would be mean to everyone and want to just be left alone day after day. It was difficult with my 3 kiddos that wanted my full attention or made messes everywhere or wanted to go out in public and play with their friends. I felt like everyday I was apologizing to them and asking for forgiveness for the way I screamed at them or the way I laid in my bed half the day. One day after they were all tucked in and asleep I sat in the bathtub crying my eyes out for the way I had been acting for so long and asking God if there was an easier way. I heard Him say to me, Jamie, just be YOU, just be real, just be YOU!

A friend of mine a few weeks prior to this moment has something that was very profound to me, he said that we need to learn how to function in our brokenness because that is when God shines through. When we are truly week He is strong. It isn't when I'm weak I hide and sulk, it is when I step out more and function in exactly that...the strength of God! Wow, that hit me hard. So this time in the bath was one of those moments of God showing me how when I am not being a very nice mom, that if I'm just honest and learn to function that my kids will see God in all His strength in me. How incredible is that?

One thing that I have really worked on with my kids is talking to them on a regular basis and explaining to them that the craziness that is going on with mommy is not at all their fault and that God is taking me through a process that has good days and hard days and that in the end it will be wonderful.

As I sit here in McDonald's writing this article while my kids play and my daughter argues with one of the little boys playing here, about how God is real. I am thinking about something I read recently that I could totally relate to. When a caterpillar begins to get ready to go into the phase of its life where it goes into its cocoon, it begins to eat and eat and eat so that it can be strong enough to live through the cocoon process. Once the caterpillar builds its cocoon around it and begins to change into a butterfly it then 'looks' like it is ready to emerge from its cocoon, but it isn't. It takes time for the butterfly to develop strength in its wings to carry itself and fly away. So as the butterfly struggles to get out of the cocoon, it pushes juices to flow into the wings of the butterfly to strengthen its wings so that when the time comes for it to be free, it goes for it and flies away. If someone where to cut a cocoon open too early, the butterfly would fall on the ground and not fly. The process has to be completed in order for it to function the way God intended it to. This reminds me of the kinds processes that God has taken me through. As I begin to grow in a process I feel trapped and want to get out of it as fast as I can. I am the type that digs around in my pocket to to find a pocketknife to cut the cocoon right open. Then what happens, I fall flat on my face trying to pick up all my pieces and put me back together. Instead of enjoying the process and allowing even the struggles to strengthen me and allowing God to do it and be in control, I somehow think I can do a better job. I loved this.

To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool

2011-07-05T09:42:00.012-06:00

This has been a question that has stuck in my mind since Lydiane was 2. The desire to homeschool has been there, but I can't decide if my reason behind not wanting to is fear and selfishness or just that it is not what I should do. There are many people out there that say there is no other way if you are a Christian. I don't know that I agree with that statement at all, I believe that homeschooling is incredibly valuable and an amazing opportunity, but I definitely wonder if I could do it. I could find all kinds of excuses for not doing it, but we could make excuses for anything and everything too. I always say that I am just not the homeschool mom type...for example, I am too much of a busy body and wouldn't be able to keep up, or that I am so undisciplined that I would do really well for a couple of weeks and then fall way behind. There are so many options of ways to do everything as well and it seems incredibly overwhelming. I just don't know that I am cut out for it. My children currently go to a really wonderful Charter school that I really like and feel that it is a good thing, but again I can't get the homeschool journey out of my mind. I don't know, just thought I would share my thoughts.

There is a book that I would love to read that is called Educating the Wholehearted Child that I have heard of before and looks like it would be a good help if we do end up homeschooling. I think I will give it a try. Hopefully a good place to start. Thanks for letting my share. If anyone has any input, please share :)

http://www.itakejoy.com/educating-the-wholehearted-child-a-giveaway-for-the-best-book-ever/

2011 Roller Coaster Ride...part two

2011-05-22T23:12:00.013-06:00

At that point I was feeling so many emotions in one moment, that I wished wasn't happening. Hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, numbness... I didn't know what to say. The nurse came in after about what felt like 30 seconds and told me what the next step was. I had the choice to either carry the twins until my body naturally miscarried them, which they didn't recommend, they could give me a pill that induced natural labor at home, or have them surgically removed. I did not want to make that decision at that moment. I told the nurse I needed to go home and I would have to let them know later. I got home and called George, my mom, and other friends and family.

I was surrounded by a house full of people that evening. With their help I made the decision to have a second opinion and wait through the weekend to get rechecked. I received prayer and had such support in such a small frantic amount of time. I was frustrated with God and I went to such a place of numbness with Him even though I was asking him to heal my babies. I was afraid of what He would tell me. The more that time goes by the more I know He was preparing me to let go. At that moment I didn't want to and I all I knew to do was hope. I did a lot of questioning as well too.

Friends and family hoped with me and prayed with me. I wasn't alone, but I knew. My church family even prayed for me on a Sunday morning, but I knew. People gave words of encouragement and things began to seem like it would go in the direction of healing. I just had to HOPE! But in my heart I knew.

Monday came and I went in for the second opinion. My doctor was there and I was glad to see him. He was so kind and compassionate. He did the ultra sound and again there was no heartbeat on either baby. He told me to go home and take some time to think about how I wanted to 'let go' of my little ones. I went home and thought and cried and talked to friends and cried and prayed and cried and yelled and cried. I don't understand, why did this happen? What are you doing God? Why would you do something so miraculous and then take it away?

3 days later I was at the hospital to have them surgically removed. I decided to do it that way because it could have taken another month for my body to naturally miscarry and it wasn't good for my health with having diabetes. I didn't do it via the pill because I couldn't bear the thought of that whole process. I honestly felt like a wimp choosing to do it surgically because it was the easiest way to deal with it. The morning of the surgery was really tough, but everyone at the hospital was very kind. It was done and I went home and went to bed. I slept most of the next day as well. I cried and yelled at God. I wish that I was the type of person that just had peace all the time even when really hard things happen....but....I am not. I scream and fight and kick and yell. Thank you Jesus that you love me anyway. This hurt. This really hurt.

So several months have gone by now and I had hoped that when I wrote part 2 of this I would have a better understanding of what God was doing with me during that time. I don't. I grieved, but the confusion of what all of that was for still lingers. One full month of a roller coaster rides, that came out of nowhere. What was the point? It came and went. Was it for nothing? I have to believe it wasn't or at least I try to believe it wasn't. Even though I am confused and at times frustrated, I know one thing...I have 2 beautiful baby boys hanging in the presence of God that I get to see someday. Jesus help me to have peace in not knowing and understanding why this happened. I guess I just have to rest in that.

You know what else? I have the most amazing and beautiful blessings I could ever ask for that I get to see everyday. I am so incredibly thankful for them.

Thanks for letting me share my process...it means a lot.

2011 Roller Coaster Ride...part one

2011-02-26T08:13:00.017-07:00

Please note, I left out a lot of details because the way I write this could become a book, just tried to put the main points ha ha ha.

So once again, it has been forever. The more I think about wanting to keep up with blogging, the more I realize that I really enjoy it, I just have to find the time. It helps me process stuff and when you are an out loud processor like me with a husband who is gone 14 hours a day for work and 3 kiddos on your heals I need an out at times. So here I am...although because it has been sooo long, I have an awfully lot in my brain that needs processing. I process things over and over and over again...am I abnormal? Oh well if I am.

In November, a wonderful friend emailed me a dream that she had about me where I was pregnant and so overjoyed I couldn't even speak and that everyone around me was so overjoyed and couldn't speak either. George and I decided a while ago that we were done having beautiful babies and he had, as my friends would say, 'the snip snip'. That was 2 years ago. So my wonderful friend knew that getting pregnant wasn't really happening and believed that it meant spiritually. She said that this next season in our family's lives would be full of joy and life! WAHOOO!!! Since our last season was hell, it was so wonderful to hear that.

I honestly didn't know what she meant, but simply hoped and held on to it. So 2011 rolled around, rather quickly I might add, and things in the Obed home seemed ok, other than the fact that I wasn't sleeping at night, losing tons of hair and having no energy to do anything at all. I decided I should go get checked. I went to the doctors and they decided I should get checked for pre-menopause and have a bone density scan. The diabetes was out of control, so that was a definite reason for not feeling well also. This may be TMI, but I hadn't had a period in almost 3 years (which I am not complaining at all, but probably isn't very healthy).

As I walked out of the room and was heading to the lab for tests the nurse came walking over to me put her hand on my should and said, "wait a second, love, you are pregnant!" As the dramatic person that I am, I dropped to my knees (I know, I know ridiculous) and yelled, "Oh hell no I am not!" The nurse quickly helped me up and took me back to my room and shut the door. I cried and cried and cried... The nurse then proceeded to offer to terminate the pregnancy, 3 times! I finally told her to not ask me that again, that it wasn't even an option and that I was just in shock and needed a minute. So she left the room and gave me a minute. Shock number one.

I told George and he just sat there and after a minute asked if it was his...lol. Then he said, "well, I guess you can't argue with God, right?" He went to his doctors that week to get a refund on his vasectomy :) Unfortunately no refund, but they did confirm that it grew back together, they offered to do the surgery again at no charge. Too bad they didn't offer a years worth of diapers!

The thought of having another baby was beginning to sit with us a lot better the next week. I went to have my first ultra sound and I saw the little bean in my belly, it was too early to hear the heartbeat, but you could definitely see the heart beating inside. But wait, the room was silent for quite a while and the doctor said, "I need to show you something". Of course I thought it was something bad and got really nervous. She proceeded to show me three tiny yolk sacs. The first yolk sac didn't seem to have anything in it, then she moved to the second yolk sac where the baby and the heartbeat I saw were and then moved the ultra sound wand around some more and showed me the third yolk sac where another little body and heartbeat was. Yep, twins! There could have been three and the doctor stayed there a while to make sure there were just the two. I am 6 weeks pregnant. I just laid there and cried. Shock number two.

I called George on my way back to work, his response was, "ok, I gotta go do laundry" as the shock was setting in. I have always wanted twins and this news settled a lot faster than the initial news of being pregnant. In my mind I began thinking and planning all kinds of things, names, which room they would be in, what kind of double stroller to buy, if they would all fit in the car, what to say when people commented on my ginormous belly, how this was all going to work. It will work. God planned this in the first place, so it WILL work. I was getting excited! So were all of my amazing friends, they were all overjoyed!

I had to have an ultra sound every week because the whole situation was so risky. They told me that the chances of this happening was less then 1%. Again, this was God. They had told us that we were having identical twins, so they would both be the same sex and look exactly alike. Both George and I felt that they were boys. Malakai definitely thought that they were boys :) Lydi and Norah wanted one of each, we tried explaining to them that they were identical and they didn't care, one of each was in their minds.

I saw the two beautiful little beans inside me each week and loved it, I could barely wait for my next appointment. I was almost 10 weeks and came in for my weekly ultrasound. I went to this one by myself and was anticipating seeing them once again. This was a different nurse and she was super quiet through the whole ultrasound, I didn't think anything of it. She went out of the room and got a doctor that watched as she did the ultrasound again. My heart began to race. She kept putting on the sound and there was just dead air. She did it probably 4 or 5 times. I finally asked, what does that mean and the doctor looked at me and said, "I'm sorry but neither baby has a heartbeat". I didn't say a word, just laid there, numb.

The nurse had said to me that if it makes me feel any better they probably would have been deformed anyway, so I should be thankful that they didn't come into this world that way, I went even more numb and completely shut out everything they said from there on. They left me in the room. I cried and cried and cried...again. Shock number three.

To be continued...

My Fam!

2010-02-25T16:00:00.002-07:00

Just a more recent picture of the Obed tribe....

Mokavi?

2010-02-25T14:13:00.008-07:00

Wow it has been a long while! So lets see, what is new with me....not a lot, well a lot inside my head going on, but not much outside of that ha ha ha :). Adjusting to having a house, I LOVE it! The Loveday wedding was fabulous. It was like Lord of the Rings moment, when Leslie walked down the isle in the snow in her white fur lined cape. Amazing!

Bought our first newer car....ha ha ha it is a 2000, but that is the newest we have ever owned, it has only 83,000 miles on it. It is a minivan, and sadly I love it....hee hee hee.

I am more and more contemplating starting my business, that I have been dreaming about for forever and actually beginning to put together a business plan and put money aside to purchased equipment. CRAZY, but exciting! Having a hard time coming up with names...have a few in mind, but nothing has struck me like, "that's it!" if you know what I mean. Also really really considering homeschooling Lydiane next year. I think I will put Kai in public school for at least Kindergarten and see how it goes. I think him being with other kids and in a classroom environment will be really good for him and for me too LOL! Lydi begs me to homeschool, she tells me all the time, I have told everyone in my class all about Jesus already, so I am ready for the next thing mom...yikes! A little missionary :)

I have been so impressed with myself lately with keeping my house clean, cooking yummy dinners, and actually spending really good quality time with the kids, some days are better than others though :). I have realized that I just need to lay things down in this season of my life. A lot of the what I have had to lay down is relationships. That has been extremely hard, but through this discovering 'me' process and getting rid of so many fear issues and seeking mans approval and laying down of relationships that I have allowed to control me, it has been incredibly liberating and exciting. I have never been like this in my whole life. I am loving it. I am even doing a study on David, which this sounds terrible, but I have never done a Bible study on my own in my life. I have tried, but always got too busy. I love it so much that I look forward to it everyday. I feel so different in the sense that if I skip a day it doesn't make a difference. Something has left me and freedom has taken its place YEYEAH!! :)

I guess a lot more than I thought has been going on with me. Ha ha ha!

MYTHS

2009-10-10T11:35:00.003-06:00

So the last post I did turns out to be a complete myth. That just makes me sad that people make up stories like this when it is completely not true. I'm a little discouraged, but glad I know the truth too. Although I still completely believe that God wants us to learn to hide in Him being completely exposed and bare and allowing Him to renew us. Eagles do not renew themselves from what I have researched. Please if anyone has facts on this that are different, please let me know. I am totally curious now. Thanks Rebecca for letting me know as I did my own research as well, after the fact. Good learning experience....lovin the process :)

What a beauty He is!

2009-10-08T23:24:00.005-06:00

My wonderful friend Laura gave me this article today that ministered to me so much that I want to try and share with you...it was talking about eagles and how there is a point in an eagles life where is gets old and has to make a choice to renew its strength or to just wait out its time to die. It is the only animal that can actually renew its strength. As an eagle grows old it develops crustacean around its beak and its feathers start to break and fall out. If the eagle chooses to have its strength renewed it goes off to find a cave that can sustain it through the amount of time it needs to go through this process. The cave must have food and water nearby.

Once it finds this cave it begins to scratch of this crustacean off with the rock and it begins to pluck out its feathers out one by one all while sitting inside this cave hidden in 'the rock'. It does this until it is completely bare and everything is exposed. You can see every scratch and scar on its body. Three times a day the eagle goes to a waterfall and stands under the water for a long period of time. It takes 30 days for the wings to grow back and another week for oil sacks to grow under its wings and the process to end.

There are so many parallels to us and our Creator and how He wants us to hide in Him and get completely bare and uncovered and allow Him to wash over us and renew our strength and give us fresh oil. I think it looks different in each persons life too. I think I am finding out that the place where this happens to me is in a very childlike way. I find myself going to a place in my imagination with God where I can be like a child just spending time with him and talking with Him about what is going on with me. It is also a place where there are no stresses or cares of my daily life. There is freedom to be me and to be bare and exposed without any judgment or condemnation.

What a beauty you are Jesus...

Delight!

2009-09-07T11:27:00.004-06:00

I love reading blogs and I love writing them too, but to find the time...uh....it just isn't there. Oh well, I will spend the small amount of time I have reading about all the amazing people around me and as soon as I can just sit down and blog myself for a bit, I will :) I still am alive and busy trying to figure out the ball of confusion in my life right now, but so completely enjoying reading blogs, especially cause I don't have time to read books, what a delight it brings me!

One Great Weekend!

2009-08-04T20:15:00.004-06:00

Had the best time with my husband this past weekend. The kids spent the night at my mom's house and George and I sat at home a talked about amazing things for about 2 hours. Then we got up and went out for some yummy Thai food and thought about a movie, but instead joined friends and family at a club called 'Keys on Main', where there was some piano battling going on. We stayed for about an hour and then went home and talked about our dreams for another hour or so.

Woke up Saturday with nothing to do, which was an incredibly amazing feeling. We got up and went out to the big Farmer's Market downtown. We ate food and checked out all the fabulous art, and purchased some fresh fruits and veggies to go with our gourmet lunch we decided to make at my moms house.

We held hands, laughed, and dreamed, which is something that hasn't happened in a REALLY long time. It was the best 2 days! I love you babe!

Steps

2009-06-26T20:06:00.008-06:00

I am loving the rain. A storm speaks so much emotion. I am moving in anger, frustration, unending tears, but then I feel lightning bolts hit every now and then that are these moments in God that are so profound to me, unlike any other time in my life. So cool and refreshing in this time.

This morning an amazing person came and spent time with me and allowed God to speak through her to me. There was warfare, tears, and joy. The most impacting word that has been spoken to me over the past couple of months was 'simplicity'. A normal word, used often, but sounded so different this morning, like God was whispering it to me.

I am so incredibly blessed by my amazing children and the amazing friends and family in my life, but it is all crap if I can't love who I am. I have nothing to give away if I can't find the value or worth inside of me. I have bottomed out and am learning who I truly am and that I DO have so much to give away because of God in me, that is where hope is and with Him I am lovely, beautiful, amazing, powerful, and worth it (just haven't gotten to that point of quite believing that yet). In the meantime I'm dealing with the grossness of my insides, the past beliefs, the pride and selfishness, and the lies I have believed.

I feel so duped by the enemy, but the worst part is I am the one who has handed it right over to him. It is hard to wonder how many things I have lost or missed because of the lies I have believed. Man does it piss me off!

So simplicity, like I said before I think I can do that...that word even gives me hope. Not exactly sure why, but that is pretty typical right now. I almost feel like I am learning to walk all over again. I so just want every moment of this process to be filled with God and nothing else. I am terrified of shoving myself into places or comfortable or habitual beliefs, but then again, I just need to not give in to that and just let God do His thing.

I don't know what else to write....except that there is this full, huge, incredible rainbow in the sky with light illuminating the mountains that is screaming the promises of God that I so absolutely needed to experience.

The end of myself

2009-06-17T22:15:00.006-06:00

Well, that's it, I came to the end of myself, whoever that was. I thought it was the worst place to be in and thought there was nothing left to hold on to, so I ran. I would have kept going and probably done something really stupid, but because of the amazing little treasures that God has given me and I'm sure His grace, I came back to reality.

So now for the journey back up the mountain, the mountain of God instead of the mountain I had created. I had an incredible conversation that I really was fighting to not listen to, but it helped me make a little more sense of what happened to me. I thought I had snapped, time to check me in, but it was that I hit rock bottom of my life or actually myself. I now am beginning to realize that I am right where God wants me to be. Although incredibly confusing it makes some sense.

The night this happened I screamed and screamed at God and threw all my expectations, hopes, dreams, etc out the window and was also very aware of my fear, selfishness, pride, and all the issues that have paralyzed for me way too long. That night I sat in a pool of that stuff, for what felt like a really long time. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to be done.

I have really struggled with figuring out how to move from this place of knowing a lot, but believing very little and coming face to face with what I have allowed to build inside and realizing why I feel I am not worth it. It is all things that I have built up in myself or allowed other people to build in me. I guess I will begin by taking it slow and one day at a time and just allowing myself to be opinionated (a whole new idea to me) and emotional and whatever else I need to allow myself to process. Whether I lose relationship or not, those who truly love me will love me in my complete wretchedness. I have a feeling I will be pretty wretched in this process, but I am ok with that. I want to be filled entirely by Him, everything of Him, all of Him. I want to be who I am supposed to be, who I am created to be, no matter how long that takes. No more worrying what people think and if they won't like me or that I have nothing to offer, if I am oozing with Jesus, well then everyone will want to know me, because of Him.

I am understanding so much by simply writing, this is amazing. I want my reality to be God and His amazingness, not a striving to be pieces of everyone else.

Thanks for loving me through my discovery. Now on to my journey.....

Seasons

2009-06-11T22:06:00.007-06:00

I feel like I am in a really dark place in my life right now. It has been a while since I have updated my blog, mostly because I have had no idea what to say, but also because if I shared what was going on inside then I would just be weird. What is the point of pretending though. I am not a dark person at all, in fact I am usually full of joy and very optimistic. I am in a desperate place in my life that I have shoved to the side because, lets face it, who really wants to be around someone like that. I know I don't enjoy it!

I guess my question is, is there a way out of this? Is it just a season, it feels like a terribly long season that I would greatly appreciate being over as soon as possible. I feel as though I am always opposite of everyone else. Amazing things are happening to me and everyone else in a rough spot and when everyone else is in the midst of amazing things, I am going through rough stuff. Is it all my own perspective or what? It is the outside the window looking in feeling where I so desperately want to be a part but I am pounding on the window for someone to see me, but no one does.

I am surrounded by completely amazing people and still absolutely believe I have to hide myself from them. How sad and horrible is that. It eats at me...the stuff really going on inside of me. I have been sick for 3 weeks now and have had to be home and man have I come face to face with myself and it is ugly! I pretend so much and I try to control everything around me to make it all look like it is great. I have let little bits of me out here and there, but that is all.

I often wonder if letting the way I am now just go so I can find myself in God, if that next person I become will just do the same thing. Be fake and pretend. What is so horrible about just being me. How do I know that I have found myself because I am so used to who I have pretended to be for so long. I worry that everything will crumble underneath me.

I know...way too much thinking going on around here.

I am passionate, but not sure exactly what about. I love to love, but not exactly sure how. I live and breath people, but deal with the deepest rejection.

Anyway, that was rough and I am sorry if you endured reading through it. I so appreciate the people in my life, constantly wondering how in the world they are there, but however possible, I am grateful for that.

Hope to see signs of the next season soon. Until next time....

There's gonna be a party in my tummy!!

2009-04-23T15:46:00.004-06:00

Gonna plant a garden, oh yeah yeah. Not sure exactly how, oh yeah yeah!
Can't wait to eat all the veggies, oh yeah yeah, better go work on it now, oh yeah yeah.

Revelation

2009-03-23T22:44:00.008-06:00

I absolutely love receiving revelation! It is the greatest feeling EVER. So my husband lost his job last week and we were both in shock that day and a little freaked out. This has happened 3 times in the past 4 years. Just wasn't making sense. So obviously, like a reoccurring dream, I figured God is trying to tell us something, trying to get us to do something different. A friend gave a word that was about limitless possibilities. Wasn't sure what that meant, but trusted God to show us and Oh is He so showing us!!!

It is little by little everyday and it is so exciting. We are choosing not to allow worry and fear overcome us, instead we are choosing joy and thanksgiving in this amazing season of limitless possibilities! I'm praying about which one to tap in to. I have decided that instead of worrying about our needs (cuz God says he will provide for those) I am going to to just keep walking forward and knocking on all those doors till the right one opens :) Be encouraged!! We keep going in this same circle and God is obviously trying to get our attention :) So we are paying attention now. ha ha ha - I am having revelation as I am typing this WOW!! Oh is He so amazing!!!

Could he be anymore insanely wonderful....seriously and to imagine that I am only discovering a very minute part of our incredible God.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and love for us. Who can compare?

Thinking out loud

2009-03-08T22:40:00.004-06:00

I so can't do anything without God and His amazing and unfailing love and grace in my life. I am so grateful to know that I have hope to overcome anything that gets in the way of me walking out my destiny, it is just a matter of me fully believing it. I can not even begin to imagine what one mintue, let alone one day, would be like without My Jesus. I get so tired of trying to manage my life and figure things out, like I have some clue what would be best for me! I want to so desperately learn how to fall back into the arms of God and trust Him for every step I take.

He made me to worship Him and He delights in me...yes me! Wow, what an incredibly thought provoking and humbling statement. I know that I would never choose to live without Him. Everything else is just a blurr...

A day in the life of me...

2009-03-06T23:39:00.007-07:00

Today began with an early morning, "mom I''m hungry and want some cereal". I dragged my self out of bed in my underwear to pour some cereal for my little man. I sat down at the computer to check my email and heard a really big "OOPS". I didn't even turn around until it hit me that before the oops I heard a "swoosh". An entire pitcher of apple juice poured over the table and onto the carpet. Lydi was in tears..."it was an accident, I just wanted some juice mom". Really it was my fault for not paying attention. I wiped up the juice and sat back down at the computer.

"Uh Oh" I hear after a 'crash'! A jar of jelly fell from the counter onto the kitchen floor. Just another mess to cleanup.

I decided I should probably help with the peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches for breakfast. It then only takes me 2 hours to bathe all 3 of them, get them dressed, teeth brushed, rooms cleaned, and beds made. We are ready to head out the door to get out of the house for a few hours, when I suddenly realize that I haven't showered or brushed my teeth and, oh my, I'm still in my underwear!

So I complete the tasks of getting myself ready to go and by that time, everyone is hungry again and wants to have lunch before we go. So I make yet another meal of peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches (they had some carrots and apples too) and we sit down to eat lunch. After lunch and several arguments with my kiddos about tattling and running around the house with their peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, I looked at the clock and decided it was nap time. So I put the kids down for a nap and by the third time of Lydi coming out of her room and saying, "mom, I forgot to tell you something, I love you", they were finally asleep.

I hurried and picked up the house the best I could, left quite a bit toothpaste smeered across the bathroom sink and there is still some jelly on the kitchen floor and your butt may stick to the chair at the kitchen table, but it 'looks' clean. I pulled some meat out of the freezer to thaw out for dinner, since I forgot to do it this morning. Oh, George said he needed his uniforms cleaned, so I ran some laundry upstairs.

I laid down on the couch to take a much needed break. My eyes close and I start to dose off............"Mom, I'm awake!! Did I take a long nap?" I look up at the clock and realize they had been sleeping for 2 hours. Oh well.

We finally get out of the house and go to McDonalds to burn some energy in the absolutely wonderful indoor play place (don't know what I would do without it). I sit down to eat a happy meal (since I didn't eat any lunch earlier) and just as I'm taking a bite of my cheeseburger, "mom, I have to go to the bathroom." Ok, I get up and grab all 3 of them and run to the bathroom. I get back and try a second time at eating my burger, "mom, I have to go to the bathroom again." AAAHHHHH - is this a test, because I don't think I will pass it. Finally the bathroom runs are over and I actually finish eating my happy? meal.

We are now off to go home and get dinner started for daddy. I think I will do stir fry tonight (it's what we have every night). I finish making dinner and set the table. As I am walking to the table with too many glasses in my hand, I trip over Malakai and one of the glasses drops out of my hand and onto the floor. I don't think the kitchen is very fond of us being in it. I clean up the mess and make sure no little pieces are left. George gets home and we sit down and eat dinner together. For some reason the kids are on their best behavior during dinner. After, they take their plates to sink and go get their jammies on. Daddy reads them a book and they head off to bed.

Now for my favorite time of the day (for more reasons than one). I start off in Lydi and Norah's room. I pray for my precious girls and sing them their bedtime song and Lydi and I have our little talks and she squeezes me and I give her several kisses. Then next is Kai's room, where I pray and sing for him also. Again another squeeze and kiss and then I wrap him up like a worm and we lay giggling together.

It is never quiet, rarely calm, hardly clean. I love my kids so much and can't ever imagine my life without them. Thank you God for blessing me with such amazing little creatures!!!!

In the mood

2009-02-18T22:13:00.003-07:00

I am so in the mood for Pj's, fuzzy slippers, a chick flick, cupcakes, pirates booty, and some Lambrusco. I need a girls night!

Just thinkin...

2009-02-12T09:47:00.006-07:00

We got back from a trip to Vanuatu about a month ago and I have been processing through so much. It is crazy to me how much went on, although I am still yet to discover all that happened in me. Always a process coming back from there. It can be hard, when you love a place, but find it extremely uncomfortable at the same time. I have such a different experience in Vanuatu when I am there with George. I experience the real culture and that at times is very difficult for me. I often talk with God about the idea of moving there and although it terrifies me, I know that it will happen eventually. I trust that God will get me ready for that time. My kids love it and fit in so well, it is amazing to watch them.

I spent some time talking with one of my nieces in Vila and she was asking me questions about the US and of course I was totally excited to answer them. When I finished her response was, "Wow, I could never live there, our lives here are so easy and your life sounds so complicated." It was true, but I think you love the place you grew up, no matter what that place was like.

Once upon a time I wanted to live my life in the outermost parts of the earth. Now that I have children, it just seems crazy to do that. It actually frustrates me at times. Once again, just another thing that I have left to God to change in me, if that is His desire.

You can call me your 'little dude', mom

2009-01-30T00:38:00.005-07:00

For months we talked with Kai about giving up his most prized possession, his blanket. We had determined that he would leave it in Vanuatu and become a big boy by joining the 'No Blanket Club'. We wanted to light a fire, paint our faces, and have a little island ceremony and have him throw it in there. We thought about doing it 2 days before heading back home, that way he would get out all of the tantrums before the 27 hour trip. 4 days before we are leaving he wakes up and hands me his blanket and says, "mom you can have it now". I said several times, "are you sure?" and he stated he was sure. So I took it from him knowing that he would not see it again.

A couple of hours later he cried for his blanket and then a couple of hours after that he screamed for it. Then before bed he just laid there, teary eyed and said he missed his blanket and then went to sleep.

The next morning he woke up totally fine and said mom, you can call me your 'little dude' now (he would never let me call him that before). He is a big boy now! I was so proud of him. He is 3 years old and he made the decision on his own...he even grieved over it like we grieve over the loss of something we love. How amazing are you Malakai!

Where it all begins

2009-01-25T13:56:00.009-07:00

This is definitely not something that I am fabulous at or anything, so hopefully this will just be simple, fun, and entertaining.

I have a wonderful husband, George, who is from the island nation of Vanuatu, he is wonderful and such an amazing dad. I think he is incredibly brave for moving his life here to start a new life with me. He played international soccer, 'futbol' for all the true fans, and was pretty stinkin good at it.

Life is an endless adventure for us as we are living 2 completely different cultures out together.

My kids are pretty incredible!! My oldest is 5 now and her name is Lydiane. She brings us so much joy! She has a very strong personality and both George and I know that God has incredible things over her life and it is our job to help her grow into those things. I believe she will have a passion for justice!

Our second, Malakai is our little man who is 3 years old and he completely makes me melt. He is so sweet and tender-hearted and is always reminds me to just sit down and rest with my kids and cuddle them. He is a tender warrior and you have blessed us more than we could ever describe.

Our last one is little Norah who came into the world on Sept 24. She is so sweet and has an amazing temperament. She has been a bit of a shock to us as she is a light skinned, blue eyed, red head. She reminds of one of those children in the vintage photographs. Children are such blessings from God.

What fun! Never a dull moment! When I stop and really think about my life, I am amazed at what God has given me, simply because He loves me!