...all part of the process.

Yep, it has been a while yet again. This time was a more purposeful break. I don't want to come across as targeting people or complaining, but just to express my thoughts, feelings, and processes and how to get to other side better than I was before. I convinced myself to stop blogging, because it seemed to hard to hear people's responses at that time. I was struggling with trying to be my….well there is more on that below…it is all part of the process.

I am so blessed by the friendships in my life. God uses them so much to encourage me and to help me keep going forward. I am officially divorced and I just moved out on my own with my kiddos in my own apartment. Wonderful yet terrifying all at the same time.

The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions of all sorts. I have left relationships, cut off relationships, developed new ones, gone deeper with previous relationships, and been encouraged and completely hurt by relationships all at the same time. I am grateful that I got the courage up to go see a therapist, a 'non-christian' one too. I wanted to get an outside perspective and someone that I could tell everything going on inside my little overflowing brain and my broken heart. It has been an incredible journey. I know and can feel myself getting stronger and learning to trust myself or rather God in me, instead of second guessing myself or trying to please everyone. Although difficult, I am loving who I am becoming and where I am at right now. I am making tons of mistakes and falling short every day, but I am so ok with that, because in it all I am learning the depth of God's incredible unconditional, full of grace love for me. It is unreal. I am learning to hear God for myself instead of through others. I am learning that if I make mistake, I am responsible for the outcome and I can't blame anyone else for it. I am learning that sin is just stuff. That is all. STUFF! We can put so much stock into sin and it is just something God uses to get us closer Him, if we let it. I feel like a 'grown up' for the first time in my life and it is the most odd, freeing, empowering, crazy feeling. This is my life, the life God gave to ME! I want to live it to the fullest and and enjoy every single moment of it.

My business is up and growing and I will get my first paycheck this month. I am celebrating :) Now I just need to keep moving forward and do the very best that I can to make improvements and grow. I have 3, with the potential of 6 (one of which will have several under him as well) doctors who I am billing for. It is crazy how I feel like this has been literally handed to me. I have had so many people be so willing to help me with each process. I am grateful. I get so nervous about how I am going to support my kids and all that, but I keep standing on the fact that God has given this to me and He will provide every step of the way, so there I said it out loud God :). He is truly is good.

I feel like now that I have finally just let go of the trying so hard to be the perfect Jamie i.e. the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect daughter, the perfect employee, the perfect christian (exhausting, I know) and life has felt like it has crumbled all around me, but I honestly feel like my life has become real. Life has value. Life is beautiful. I know who the 'real' people in my life are. I know who God really is in me. I don't fear like I used to. I am ok if you don't like me or disagree with me. It is my life. I get to live it.

Btw, my kids are also doing well. They definitely have their moments and things are hard for them as well, but I try to be as open and honest as I can with them about everything they feel they need to know (within reason). I am amazed at the questions they ask, the responses they give, and they way they are processing. I was so afraid because of what some said, so my only option was to be real with them and give them to God and I know that He is in work in each of their hearts. I have amazing kids.

Relief, joy, gladness, sadness, anger, anxiety, doubt, confusion, amazement, exhaustion, beauty, confidence, insecurity, HOPE, forgiveness, realness, rawness, honesty, trust, heartbreak, grief…these are just some of the emotions that have hit hard in the past month.

...it is all part of the process. Might as well enjoy it. :)

Be Brave...

Somedays I wonder if I should continue to write down this process for others to see, because some just don't like it. Others don't allow people to process, they want the end result right now and if it isn't exact, it is being done incorrectly. I am such a people person. I love people, I love relationships. I love the ups and downs, the wonderfulness and the difficulty of relationships. I have also began to love just having space too, which is rare for me. I find that just being alone makes me feel safe and ok to just be me. It is difficult during hard times to not let people get under your skin or allow people to drown you in their opinions or where they think you should be. I understand people mean well, but sometimes I feel we just need to let people be and just love them through their process.

My reason for wanting to be brave and write out loud is because there isn't much resource out there that for Christians who have gone through divorce. There are plenty of resources for bashing the ex, which I don't want to do either. I hope to be a resource of fresh air and life giving for whomever needs it, even if it just to get it out from inside of me, that is good.

It has been 7 months since our separation began. It doesn't seem like 7 months. It feels like just a couple. The time flies by, but the individual days at times seems so long. The divorce will be final on September 25th. I think that day will be a very odd day that seems a little bittersweet.

I have begun seeing a 'secular' counselor which I feel is a really good thing as I can get a different perspective and they are completely removed from my relationships. I have gone 3 times and it has been very beneficial. One thing she said to me this week, that has stuck and that I am still grappling with, it if I were stripped of every relationship I had, would I still feel like I am worth something. I'm not entirely sure. I want to get to that point and honestly am not entirely sure how to get there yet either.   All part of the process. I am so grateful not to have to do life alone though and wouldn't ever want to. I know some the worlds greatest people and I often wonder how I got so lucky. But I agree with my counselor, that I need to think I'm valuable regardless of the relationships in my life.

My emotional breakdowns are happening a little less now. I have days where I don't cry, but I don't feel like doing anything, that is frustrating. One day I am happy about where I am and the next not so much.
The past couple of weeks have been sort of unemotional actually. More numb feeling than anything. I am not quite sure how to explain it.

I did make a decision to plan out a bunch of fun things to do with my kiddos this month before school starts, to help me get to a point of motivation, We hiked last weekend to Cecret Lake and saw the wildflowers, it was beautiful and wonderful to get out of the city. We are going to go horseback riding next weekend and then come home and have a picnic on the living room floor and play games. We also got tickets to the Timpanogos Story Telling festival. We are going on Friday night to the bedtime stories session. We all dress in our pajamas and get to eat donuts and listen to storytellers. I am super excited about that one :) This has all gotten me excited and helps a lot with where I am at in the process.

A jumbled mess of new thoughts

I have so many different thoughts in my head right now and I am just going to write them all down and leave them here. Something that I am learning is that any marriage can get through what looks like an impossible situation, but the key is that not just one person, but both people have to be completely committed to each other no matter what, to work through it. To do whatever it takes. You are only responsible for you. For your actions, your choices, and what you put in to any relationship, you can't make any one do something or change something. This divorce has been so incredibly challenging and the reality is that even though this is the farthest thing from what my desires were, I still have desires, I still have value, I have still have worth, God still has a beautiful plan for my life, he still has a beautiful plan for my kids' life, and my ex-husbands life. Because He is just good that way. He is a pro at redemption and showing off and loving us in the darkest of times.

I had a conversation last night with some of my girlfriends about how sometimes when we begin to find ourselves as human beings and even more as one of God's kids, we start to believe in the amazingness of who we are and what we have to give and offer back to God, to those around us, and to the world. It can look, to some, like a snobby kind of confidence, but it is the complete opposite. It is that through us standing up and speaking out and being exactly who God created us to be, we bring Him the ultimate glory, because we are created by Him to do what He asks of us to do.

One of my absolute favorite quotes is this:

It is absolute truth! So no matter what you are going through, no matter how raw you feel and empty and lonely the situation is, you are beautiful, worthy, made to be exactly who you were created to be and the hard situations and bad choices and wrong paths aren't what defines you.

These thoughts are rocking my world right now and taking me to higher and deeper places. I would be lying if I said I felt great and everything was doing better and I wasn't angry with God. All of those feelings are still a part of where I am at, but I am working on getting to the truth of the matter and pushing aside all of the myths. The truth sets us free!

The process.

Each day feels like it moves so slowly, but when I think of the time that has gone by, it has gone quickly. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. I am so grateful I have my wonderful kiddos that give me a reason to get out of bed and get moving. I am finding a bit more energy to get organized and have things move a little more smoothly. I think when I go through hard times, you can tell in my home. Things aren't very clean and organized the way I wish they would be. I would rather not be home to look at it either.

This next week, my kids are leaving for the first time away from me for a whole week. I have gone without them before, but as a married person. I keep trying to think of the things I will do while they are gone. This is just another reason I am so grateful I live with people and not alone. Granted I want to get to that point where I can live on my own, but for now I just need to be.

I have amazing people in life that I am incredibly grateful for and who mean well, but say things that just get me at times. I am a very emotional person who feels alot. Actually I feel everything and very deeply. I have heard everything from, want to smoke a joint, to lets go get drunk, to just turn on the tv and don't think about anything. Don't get me wrong, I have thought all of those things myself and have contemplated every one. But because I feel so much and because I believe God allows us to feel pain, there has to be a reason for it. So I am determined to face this and feel it in every area I have to feel it. Please, remind me of this when I am having breakdown. I don't want any of this to sneak up and bite me in the butt later in life. I want to know that I faced this and walked through it and laid it at the feet of Jesus and grew from it. It sounds so easy when I am typing it. It isn't. I think the hardest part for me is that I don't feel like I can help my kids much right now, even though I want to. I don't have answers, I don't know what to say, and if I did know what to say I would probably just be a basket case. I am tense all of the time and on edge with them. They have a watched a lot of tv lately, which I hate. I don't want them to process with tv either. I just have to trust that they will walk this out with God and hopefully I will be an example somehow of facing things and moving forward. We say a lot in our home that 'you can do hard things'. I don't want to remove a mountain from my child's path, but I want to teach them and help them climb it. That is easier said than done at times too. All a work in progress.

I bought a new car this week. First time I have ever bought a car from a dealership. I was raised to never do that. I did it. I have a bit of buyer's remorse because I have never paid more than $7,000 for a car in my life and I have had a lot of cars. I am also grateful though that I have a car that won't break down and that will be a good car for a while.

My business is moving really slow still. There are a lot of stand still moments where I just have to wait on other people and can't really move forward. It is frustrating at times, but again I am grateful that it isn't super crazy and stressful.

I have been angry at God. I don't want to talk to Him nor do I want Him to talk to me. It has been a while since I have. I guess I don't want to know what is next. I guess I didn't want it to hurt so much. I guess I don't know if I want Him to say 'He loves me', like He always does because I feel ashamed of where I am at in life right now. I know that He meets us where we are and I know He is so good, but I am frustrated and mad at the moment.

I am going to attempt to update weekly. We will see, especially because I said it hahaha! Hope today is a beautiful day for you!

Starting Over...

It has been a few years since I have written a blog post. I love to journal and write, but I find it difficult to find the time amongst everything else that is always going on. It is a great joy and great relief to write though and since I once again am going through another season of transition, I am hoping that this will help the process. Not to mention sharing our own struggles and successes with each other is real and hopefully brings hope and encouragement to each other. Life is full of dramatic changes, transitions, failures, successes, joy, happiness, tears and sorrow. I want to be great at living a life of gratefulness and simplicity in the midst of it all.

Although it has been such a long while, my transparency in life has not changed and I am still a pretty open book. So I will start by saying that I am walking through something I never thought would be possible in my life. I am going through a divorce. It grieves me to just say that. I don't want anyone to follow in my foot steps and I feel that I have just wanted to isolate and seclude myself from the world so that there wouldn't be anyone who would want to 'be like me'. I have never experienced grief the way I have during this process. I thought I was ok at first and then one morning woke up with incredible amount of pain in my gut and an emptiness that I can't explain. I didn't want to get out of bed and I felt like I couldn't breath. I have heard people say that the best way to get through hard things is to press into the pain. I believe that as well, but when this happened, I wasn't sure what that looked like and what it meant. God allows us to feel pain, so I believe there is a reason for it. So instead of numbing it, I have been determined to feel every single bit of it and to allow myself to experience all the different emotions that come with it as well. Feels a little awkward when you are grocery shopping and bawling your eyes down each isle, but I just don't care at the moment. I want to get it all out now. America doesn't do grief very well.

I am now a single mom with three beautiful little creatures that I still love and adore. I am starting over. I currently live in some very dear friends' basement and yes we are squished, but I feel very fortunate at this time to be here. I have started my own insurance billing business from home, that I didn't think would be as hard as it is, but it is taking forever. There has been a lot of favor along the way though and I am grateful. I ran my very first 5K in May, which has been something on my dream list for 3 years now. And last, but not least, we were building a home, that has obviously come to a halt and even if it didn't, we recently found out that our 2.5 acres of beauty, is unbuildable for a home. Oh the crazy lives we live.

So now what? Now, I am going to try to take it one day at a time. I am going to rediscover me and the things I love and cherish and I am going to start dreaming again. I want to face this pain and healing and get everything I can possibly get from it. I want to be the best mom I can be and I want to work really hard to be there and help my children walk through this process of transition that they got the short end of the stick in.

There is an update on my life. I will be try and update on individual things as I go. Just to warn you, this will be messy, this will be raw, but this is real life.

Gratefulness and Rest

I went on a little much needed retreat over this past week. I have amazing friends and family who let me use their home to stay in and who took my kiddos for the 2 days, it was such a blessing. I feel like God has been trying to talk to me and I have been running, not sure why, but a reality struck me about a week ago, that I am addicted to busyness. Yikes! It's true. Although I would tell you that I hate being so busy, I create the busyness by feeling the need to be everywhere all the time doing everything, so I don't have to 'deal with' my stuff. I decided to make myself take 2 full days and retreat. I was dealing with some fear at first...what if God doesn't meet there or gives me the silent treatment or something. Or even worse what if He tells me is something I don't want to hear.



My first day I got all my stuff situated in the room, made sure I had some snacks and water, made sure my bags were in their right spot, made sure my toothbrush was on the bathroom sink, made sure there was toilet paper in the bathroom, made sure my pen was working, made sure that there were enough kleenex in the room and turned on some live IHOP webstream...and...started pacing the floor. Oh my goodness, sit down and shut your brain off, Jamie, I screamed and thus began the 'getting it all out' portion of my retreat. I yelled a whole lot of other stuff too, too R rated to blog about. I am so glad He can handle all that and He just listened. I cried and yelled and cried and yelled some more. It felt amazing. Then I fell asleep.

When I woke about an hour later, I felt completely different, the fear junk was not bugging me and I was able to just sit and read (still not in a listening place yet). I read more than I have read in years in one night. It was good stuff too! My eyes hurt when I went to bed. I slept so good and I had 3 dreams, yes 3. It was incredible. I woke up and wrote them all down.

I decided to go get some coffee so I could stay awake. There was a park with a field that was beautiful and calling my name, so I went straight to the middle of it and laid a blanket down and laid for 2 hours. It felt so amazing to just sit there with the sun on my face, there was a breeze blowing and I felt surrounded by the mountains. It was wonderful. I had an agenda to sit there and journal, but God started talking and I decided to just listen (finally). WOW! I kept thinking I should get up and write all this down, but I couldn't. He just kept talking and talking, it was beautiful, and it was just enough. He told me about how much He loves me and then told me about the dreams I had, and how much He loves me, then He told me about stuff in my marriage and about being a mom and how much He loves me, I am crying writing this because even though there was so much and it was so incredible it was so simple and easy. He met me right where I was. He is so good. He is faithful. That was my most favorite moment of the 2 days.

I went back to the house and read some more. I also felt compelled to read Song of Solomon in The Message Bible...Holy cow! :) Just read it. God is SO in love with us (His people, His church, You, Me). I thought it would be a great book for George and I to study together ;) hee hee hee.



I have been on this journey about finding 'me' for some time now and finally realize there really is no end point to it, we will discover more and more about ourselves as we grow and live in God, because there is so much to Him there is so much to us. I have said many times, I am so afraid to lose myself in the midst of being a mom and wife and that I need to keep up with 'me'. This is such a lie. If I am in God and He in me, then I am not going to 'lose myself'. We go through different seasons in life and I am in the season of being mom and wife. During this season I need to lay stuff in my 'self' down so that I can pour into my 3 blessings. This has been such a struggle for me, knowing how selfish I am and needing to stop being so selfish, but trying to hold on to keeping all my desires and dreams on the forefront. Not that I have to give those up, but they need to be laid down for a season or my kids will be shoved to the side for me to pursue them. The time with my kids is so so short. I want to not have any regrets about lost time with them when they are grown, so I am making a choice to give my family my all in this season and I absolutely believe that God will put more life to my desires and dreams in the end and I will have no regrets. That sounds like a win win to me :) This was a rather lengthy discussion I had with God too during these 2 days. It was good.

I also read through most of the prophetic words and words of encouragement I have received over the past while and that was very cool, several of them I read with such a new clearer perspective and had so much more understanding. I asked some of my closest friends a while back to write 5 things they liked about me. I decided to this because I had such a hard time seeing much good in me at the time. I read those too and I realized I have allowed so much ungratefulness and resentment to come in to my life, which is a large reason for the busyness. So many of the things people said was that I had so much joy, I kept wondering where it had gone. It didn't go anywhere, just needed to let go of some junk. It was so encouraging to read those and actually believe some of it now. I love seeing growth through tough long processes.

I ended up having to leave earlier then I planned to pick up my kids, but I think it was just enough time. I feel so refreshed and that I have purpose to focus on each day. I think I need to do this every few months to be honest. Maybe I wouldn't be so moody and ornery all the time...lol. Happy me, Happy wife, Happy mom, Happy home :).

December 2009

This an article I was writing for magazine that my sister was going to start, but ended up not doing it. I read it today was encouraged by what it said :) So I figured I would share it. It is an unfinished work, but I still iked it. I love reading things I wrote in the past, I can see wisdom and growth that I didn't see then that I had or see growth through a process. I am learning to really enjoy myself lately and although it takes great strength some days, if I don't enjoy myself then I won't enjoy anything. OK, now I am blabbing on...enjoy.

My name is Jamie and I would like to tell you a little about me and give you a glimpse about the things that you will get out of reading my articles. I am in the midst of learning who who I am, which I am sure I will continue to learn the rest of my life. It is an exciting adventure full of ups and downs and all a rounds. So my utmost goal is to be me and make you laugh hysterically, cry continually, and snort a bit too. I hope you finish reading and feel completely encouraged that life has so much in it and how God wants you to enjoy the simplicity of life. I totally believe that there is no pad answer to your life and how to be a wife, a mom, a daughter, or anyone. The only real answer is to look inside of you and discover who God is in you and go for it.

A really hard part of the process that God has me in is that during the breaking down of who I thought I was, was the not so pretty in between person hanging around for a while that would be mean to everyone and want to just be left alone day after day. It was difficult with my 3 kiddos that wanted my full attention or made messes everywhere or wanted to go out in public and play with their friends. I felt like everyday I was apologizing to them and asking for forgiveness for the way I screamed at them or the way I laid in my bed half the day. One day after they were all tucked in and asleep I sat in the bathtub crying my eyes out for the way I had been acting for so long and asking God if there was an easier way. I heard Him say to me, Jamie, just be YOU, just be real, just be YOU!

A friend of mine a few weeks prior to this moment has something that was very profound to me, he said that we need to learn how to function in our brokenness because that is when God shines through. When we are truly week He is strong. It isn't when I'm weak I hide and sulk, it is when I step out more and function in exactly that...the strength of God! Wow, that hit me hard. So this time in the bath was one of those moments of God showing me how when I am not being a very nice mom, that if I'm just honest and learn to function that my kids will see God in all His strength in me. How incredible is that?

One thing that I have really worked on with my kids is talking to them on a regular basis and explaining to them that the craziness that is going on with mommy is not at all their fault and that God is taking me through a process that has good days and hard days and that in the end it will be wonderful.



As I sit here in McDonald's writing this article while my kids play and my daughter argues with one of the little boys playing here, about how God is real. I am thinking about something I read recently that I could totally relate to. When a caterpillar begins to get ready to go into the phase of its life where it goes into its cocoon, it begins to eat and eat and eat so that it can be strong enough to live through the cocoon process. Once the caterpillar builds its cocoon around it and begins to change into a butterfly it then 'looks' like it is ready to emerge from its cocoon, but it isn't. It takes time for the butterfly to develop strength in its wings to carry itself and fly away. So as the butterfly struggles to get out of the cocoon, it pushes juices to flow into the wings of the butterfly to strengthen its wings so that when the time comes for it to be free, it goes for it and flies away. If someone where to cut a cocoon open too early, the butterfly would fall on the ground and not fly. The process has to be completed in order for it to function the way God intended it to. This reminds me of the kinds processes that God has taken me through. As I begin to grow in a process I feel trapped and want to get out of it as fast as I can. I am the type that digs around in my pocket to to find a pocketknife to cut the cocoon right open. Then what happens, I fall flat on my face trying to pick up all my pieces and put me back together. Instead of enjoying the process and allowing even the struggles to strengthen me and allowing God to do it and be in control, I somehow think I can do a better job. I loved this.

To Homeschool or Not to Homeschool

This has been a question that has stuck in my mind since Lydiane was 2. The desire to homeschool has been there, but I can't decide if my reason behind not wanting to is fear and selfishness or just that it is not what I should do. There are many people out there that say there is no other way if you are a Christian. I don't know that I agree with that statement at all, I believe that homeschooling is incredibly valuable and an amazing opportunity, but I definitely wonder if I could do it. I could find all kinds of excuses for not doing it, but we could make excuses for anything and everything too. I always say that I am just not the homeschool mom type...for example, I am too much of a busy body and wouldn't be able to keep up, or that I am so undisciplined that I would do really well for a couple of weeks and then fall way behind. There are so many options of ways to do everything as well and it seems incredibly overwhelming. I just don't know that I am cut out for it. My children currently go to a really wonderful Charter school that I really like and feel that it is a good thing, but again I can't get the homeschool journey out of my mind. I don't know, just thought I would share my thoughts.

There is a book that I would love to read that is called Educating the Wholehearted Child that I have heard of before and looks like it would be a good help if we do end up homeschooling. I think I will give it a try. Hopefully a good place to start. Thanks for letting my share. If anyone has any input, please share :)

http://www.itakejoy.com/educating-the-wholehearted-child-a-giveaway-for-the-best-book-ever/

2011 Roller Coaster Ride...part two

At that point I was feeling so many emotions in one moment, that I wished wasn't happening. Hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, numbness... I didn't know what to say. The nurse came in after about what felt like 30 seconds and told me what the next step was. I had the choice to either carry the twins until my body naturally miscarried them, which they didn't recommend, they could give me a pill that induced natural labor at home, or have them surgically removed. I did not want to make that decision at that moment. I told the nurse I needed to go home and I would have to let them know later. I got home and called George, my mom, and other friends and family.


I was surrounded by a house full of people that evening. With their help I made the decision to have a second opinion and wait through the weekend to get rechecked. I received prayer and had such support in such a small frantic amount of time. I was frustrated with God and I went to such a place of numbness with Him even though I was asking him to heal my babies. I was afraid of what He would tell me. The more that time goes by the more I know He was preparing me to let go. At that moment I didn't want to and I all I knew to do was hope. I did a lot of questioning as well too.

Friends and family hoped with me and prayed with me. I wasn't alone, but I knew. My church family even prayed for me on a Sunday morning, but I knew. People gave words of encouragement and things began to seem like it would go in the direction of healing. I just had to HOPE! But in my heart I knew.

Monday came and I went in for the second opinion. My doctor was there and I was glad to see him. He was so kind and compassionate. He did the ultra sound and again there was no heartbeat on either baby. He told me to go home and take some time to think about how I wanted to 'let go' of my little ones. I went home and thought and cried and talked to friends and cried and prayed and cried and yelled and cried. I don't understand, why did this happen? What are you doing God? Why would you do something so miraculous and then take it away?



3 days later I was at the hospital to have them surgically removed. I decided to do it that way because it could have taken another month for my body to naturally miscarry and it wasn't good for my health with having diabetes. I didn't do it via the pill because I couldn't bear the thought of that whole process. I honestly felt like a wimp choosing to do it surgically because it was the easiest way to deal with it. The morning of the surgery was really tough, but everyone at the hospital was very kind. It was done and I went home and went to bed. I slept most of the next day as well. I cried and yelled at God. I wish that I was the type of person that just had peace all the time even when really hard things happen....but....I am not. I scream and fight and kick and yell. Thank you Jesus that you love me anyway. This hurt. This really hurt.

So several months have gone by now and I had hoped that when I wrote part 2 of this I would have a better understanding of what God was doing with me during that time. I don't. I grieved, but the confusion of what all of that was for still lingers. One full month of a roller coaster rides, that came out of nowhere. What was the point? It came and went. Was it for nothing? I have to believe it wasn't or at least I try to believe it wasn't. Even though I am confused and at times frustrated, I know one thing...I have 2 beautiful baby boys hanging in the presence of God that I get to see someday. Jesus help me to have peace in not knowing and understanding why this happened. I guess I just have to rest in that.

You know what else? I have the most amazing and beautiful blessings I could ever ask for that I get to see everyday. I am so incredibly thankful for them.





Thanks for letting me share my process...it means a lot.

2011 Roller Coaster Ride...part one

Please note, I left out a lot of details because the way I write this could become a book, just tried to put the main points ha ha ha.


So once again, it has been forever. The more I think about wanting to keep up with blogging, the more I realize that I really enjoy it, I just have to find the time. It helps me process stuff and when you are an out loud processor like me with a husband who is gone 14 hours a day for work and 3 kiddos on your heals I need an out at times. So here I am...although because it has been sooo long, I have an awfully lot in my brain that needs processing. I process things over and over and over again...am I abnormal? Oh well if I am.

In November, a wonderful friend emailed me a dream that she had about me where I was pregnant and so overjoyed I couldn't even speak and that everyone around me was so overjoyed and couldn't speak either. George and I decided a while ago that we were done having beautiful babies and he had, as my friends would say, 'the snip snip'. That was 2 years ago. So my wonderful friend knew that getting pregnant wasn't really happening and believed that it meant spiritually. She said that this next season in our family's lives would be full of joy and life! WAHOOO!!! Since our last season was hell, it was so wonderful to hear that.

I honestly didn't know what she meant, but simply hoped and held on to it. So 2011 rolled around, rather quickly I might add, and things in the Obed home seemed ok, other than the fact that I wasn't sleeping at night, losing tons of hair and having no energy to do anything at all. I decided I should go get checked. I went to the doctors and they decided I should get checked for pre-menopause and have a bone density scan. The diabetes was out of control, so that was a definite reason for not feeling well also. This may be TMI, but I hadn't had a period in almost 3 years (which I am not complaining at all, but probably isn't very healthy).

As I walked out of the room and was heading to the lab for tests the nurse came walking over to me put her hand on my should and said, "wait a second, love, you are pregnant!" As the dramatic person that I am, I dropped to my knees (I know, I know ridiculous) and yelled, "Oh hell no I am not!" The nurse quickly helped me up and took me back to my room and shut the door. I cried and cried and cried... The nurse then proceeded to offer to terminate the pregnancy, 3 times! I finally told her to not ask me that again, that it wasn't even an option and that I was just in shock and needed a minute. So she left the room and gave me a minute. Shock number one.

I told George and he just sat there and after a minute asked if it was his...lol. Then he said, "well, I guess you can't argue with God, right?" He went to his doctors that week to get a refund on his vasectomy :) Unfortunately no refund, but they did confirm that it grew back together, they offered to do the surgery again at no charge. Too bad they didn't offer a years worth of diapers!

The thought of having another baby was beginning to sit with us a lot better the next week. I went to have my first ultra sound and I saw the little bean in my belly, it was too early to hear the heartbeat, but you could definitely see the heart beating inside. But wait, the room was silent for quite a while and the doctor said, "I need to show you something". Of course I thought it was something bad and got really nervous. She proceeded to show me three tiny yolk sacs. The first yolk sac didn't seem to have anything in it, then she moved to the second yolk sac where the baby and the heartbeat I saw were and then moved the ultra sound wand around some more and showed me the third yolk sac where another little body and heartbeat was. Yep, twins! There could have been three and the doctor stayed there a while to make sure there were just the two. I am 6 weeks pregnant. I just laid there and cried. Shock number two.


I called George on my way back to work, his response was, "ok, I gotta go do laundry" as the shock was setting in. I have always wanted twins and this news settled a lot faster than the initial news of being pregnant. In my mind I began thinking and planning all kinds of things, names, which room they would be in, what kind of double stroller to buy, if they would all fit in the car, what to say when people commented on my ginormous belly, how this was all going to work. It will work. God planned this in the first place, so it WILL work. I was getting excited! So were all of my amazing friends, they were all overjoyed!

I had to have an ultra sound every week because the whole situation was so risky. They told me that the chances of this happening was less then 1%. Again, this was God. They had told us that we were having identical twins, so they would both be the same sex and look exactly alike. Both George and I felt that they were boys. Malakai definitely thought that they were boys :) Lydi and Norah wanted one of each, we tried explaining to them that they were identical and they didn't care, one of each was in their minds.

I saw the two beautiful little beans inside me each week and loved it, I could barely wait for my next appointment. I was almost 10 weeks and came in for my weekly ultrasound. I went to this one by myself and was anticipating seeing them once again. This was a different nurse and she was super quiet through the whole ultrasound, I didn't think anything of it. She went out of the room and got a doctor that watched as she did the ultrasound again. My heart began to race. She kept putting on the sound and there was just dead air. She did it probably 4 or 5 times. I finally asked, what does that mean and the doctor looked at me and said, "I'm sorry but neither baby has a heartbeat". I didn't say a word, just laid there, numb.

The nurse had said to me that if it makes me feel any better they probably would have been deformed anyway, so I should be thankful that they didn't come into this world that way, I went even more numb and completely shut out everything they said from there on. They left me in the room. I cried and cried and cried...again. Shock number three.


To be continued...

My Fam!

Just a more recent picture of the Obed tribe....

Mokavi?

Wow it has been a long while! So lets see, what is new with me....not a lot, well a lot inside my head going on, but not much outside of that ha ha ha :). Adjusting to having a house, I LOVE it! The Loveday wedding was fabulous. It was like Lord of the Rings moment, when Leslie walked down the isle in the snow in her white fur lined cape. Amazing!

Bought our first newer car....ha ha ha it is a 2000, but that is the newest we have ever owned, it has only 83,000 miles on it. It is a minivan, and sadly I love it....hee hee hee.

I am more and more contemplating starting my business, that I have been dreaming about for forever and actually beginning to put together a business plan and put money aside to purchased equipment. CRAZY, but exciting! Having a hard time coming up with names...have a few in mind, but nothing has struck me like, "that's it!" if you know what I mean. Also really really considering homeschooling Lydiane next year. I think I will put Kai in public school for at least Kindergarten and see how it goes. I think him being with other kids and in a classroom environment will be really good for him and for me too LOL! Lydi begs me to homeschool, she tells me all the time, I have told everyone in my class all about Jesus already, so I am ready for the next thing mom...yikes! A little missionary :)

I have been so impressed with myself lately with keeping my house clean, cooking yummy dinners, and actually spending really good quality time with the kids, some days are better than others though :). I have realized that I just need to lay things down in this season of my life. A lot of the what I have had to lay down is relationships. That has been extremely hard, but through this discovering 'me' process and getting rid of so many fear issues and seeking mans approval and laying down of relationships that I have allowed to control me, it has been incredibly liberating and exciting. I have never been like this in my whole life. I am loving it. I am even doing a study on David, which this sounds terrible, but I have never done a Bible study on my own in my life. I have tried, but always got too busy. I love it so much that I look forward to it everyday. I feel so different in the sense that if I skip a day it doesn't make a difference. Something has left me and freedom has taken its place YEYEAH!! :)

I guess a lot more than I thought has been going on with me. Ha ha ha!

MYTHS

So the last post I did turns out to be a complete myth. That just makes me sad that people make up stories like this when it is completely not true. I'm a little discouraged, but glad I know the truth too. Although I still completely believe that God wants us to learn to hide in Him being completely exposed and bare and allowing Him to renew us. Eagles do not renew themselves from what I have researched. Please if anyone has facts on this that are different, please let me know. I am totally curious now. Thanks Rebecca for letting me know as I did my own research as well, after the fact. Good learning experience....lovin the process :)

What a beauty He is!

My wonderful friend Laura gave me this article today that ministered to me so much that I want to try and share with you...it was talking about eagles and how there is a point in an eagles life where is gets old and has to make a choice to renew its strength or to just wait out its time to die. It is the only animal that can actually renew its strength. As an eagle grows old it develops crustacean around its beak and its feathers start to break and fall out. If the eagle chooses to have its strength renewed it goes off to find a cave that can sustain it through the amount of time it needs to go through this process. The cave must have food and water nearby.

Once it finds this cave it begins to scratch of this crustacean off with the rock and it begins to pluck out its feathers out one by one all while sitting inside this cave hidden in 'the rock'. It does this until it is completely bare and everything is exposed. You can see every scratch and scar on its body. Three times a day the eagle goes to a waterfall and stands under the water for a long period of time. It takes 30 days for the wings to grow back and another week for oil sacks to grow under its wings and the process to end.

There are so many parallels to us and our Creator and how He wants us to hide in Him and get completely bare and uncovered and allow Him to wash over us and renew our strength and give us fresh oil. I think it looks different in each persons life too. I think I am finding out that the place where this happens to me is in a very childlike way. I find myself going to a place in my imagination with God where I can be like a child just spending time with him and talking with Him about what is going on with me. It is also a place where there are no stresses or cares of my daily life. There is freedom to be me and to be bare and exposed without any judgment or condemnation.

What a beauty you are Jesus...

Delight!

I love reading blogs and I love writing them too, but to find the time...uh....it just isn't there. Oh well, I will spend the small amount of time I have reading about all the amazing people around me and as soon as I can just sit down and blog myself for a bit, I will :) I still am alive and busy trying to figure out the ball of confusion in my life right now, but so completely enjoying reading blogs, especially cause I don't have time to read books, what a delight it brings me!

One Great Weekend!

Had the best time with my husband this past weekend. The kids spent the night at my mom's house and George and I sat at home a talked about amazing things for about 2 hours. Then we got up and went out for some yummy Thai food and thought about a movie, but instead joined friends and family at a club called 'Keys on Main', where there was some piano battling going on. We stayed for about an hour and then went home and talked about our dreams for another hour or so.

Woke up Saturday with nothing to do, which was an incredibly amazing feeling. We got up and went out to the big Farmer's Market downtown. We ate food and checked out all the fabulous art, and purchased some fresh fruits and veggies to go with our gourmet lunch we decided to make at my moms house.

We held hands, laughed, and dreamed, which is something that hasn't happened in a REALLY long time. It was the best 2 days! I love you babe!

Steps

I am loving the rain. A storm speaks so much emotion. I am moving in anger, frustration, unending tears, but then I feel lightning bolts hit every now and then that are these moments in God that are so profound to me, unlike any other time in my life. So cool and refreshing in this time.

This morning an amazing person came and spent time with me and allowed God to speak through her to me. There was warfare, tears, and joy. The most impacting word that has been spoken to me over the past couple of months was 'simplicity'. A normal word, used often, but sounded so different this morning, like God was whispering it to me.

I am so incredibly blessed by my amazing children and the amazing friends and family in my life, but it is all crap if I can't love who I am. I have nothing to give away if I can't find the value or worth inside of me. I have bottomed out and am learning who I truly am and that I DO have so much to give away because of God in me, that is where hope is and with Him I am lovely, beautiful, amazing, powerful, and worth it (just haven't gotten to that point of quite believing that yet). In the meantime I'm dealing with the grossness of my insides, the past beliefs, the pride and selfishness, and the lies I have believed.

I feel so duped by the enemy, but the worst part is I am the one who has handed it right over to him. It is hard to wonder how many things I have lost or missed because of the lies I have believed. Man does it piss me off!

So simplicity, like I said before I think I can do that...that word even gives me hope. Not exactly sure why, but that is pretty typical right now. I almost feel like I am learning to walk all over again. I so just want every moment of this process to be filled with God and nothing else. I am terrified of shoving myself into places or comfortable or habitual beliefs, but then again, I just need to not give in to that and just let God do His thing.

I don't know what else to write....except that there is this full, huge, incredible rainbow in the sky with light illuminating the mountains that is screaming the promises of God that I so absolutely needed to experience.

The end of myself

Well, that's it, I came to the end of myself, whoever that was. I thought it was the worst place to be in and thought there was nothing left to hold on to, so I ran. I would have kept going and probably done something really stupid, but because of the amazing little treasures that God has given me and I'm sure His grace, I came back to reality.

So now for the journey back up the mountain, the mountain of God instead of the mountain I had created. I had an incredible conversation that I really was fighting to not listen to, but it helped me make a little more sense of what happened to me. I thought I had snapped, time to check me in, but it was that I hit rock bottom of my life or actually myself. I now am beginning to realize that I am right where God wants me to be. Although incredibly confusing it makes some sense.

The night this happened I screamed and screamed at God and threw all my expectations, hopes, dreams, etc out the window and was also very aware of my fear, selfishness, pride, and all the issues that have paralyzed for me way too long. That night I sat in a pool of that stuff, for what felt like a really long time. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to be done.

I have really struggled with figuring out how to move from this place of knowing a lot, but believing very little and coming face to face with what I have allowed to build inside and realizing why I feel I am not worth it. It is all things that I have built up in myself or allowed other people to build in me. I guess I will begin by taking it slow and one day at a time and just allowing myself to be opinionated (a whole new idea to me) and emotional and whatever else I need to allow myself to process. Whether I lose relationship or not, those who truly love me will love me in my complete wretchedness. I have a feeling I will be pretty wretched in this process, but I am ok with that. I want to be filled entirely by Him, everything of Him, all of Him. I want to be who I am supposed to be, who I am created to be, no matter how long that takes. No more worrying what people think and if they won't like me or that I have nothing to offer, if I am oozing with Jesus, well then everyone will want to know me, because of Him.

I am understanding so much by simply writing, this is amazing. I want my reality to be God and His amazingness, not a striving to be pieces of everyone else.

Thanks for loving me through my discovery. Now on to my journey.....

Seasons

I feel like I am in a really dark place in my life right now. It has been a while since I have updated my blog, mostly because I have had no idea what to say, but also because if I shared what was going on inside then I would just be weird. What is the point of pretending though. I am not a dark person at all, in fact I am usually full of joy and very optimistic. I am in a desperate place in my life that I have shoved to the side because, lets face it, who really wants to be around someone like that. I know I don't enjoy it!

I guess my question is, is there a way out of this? Is it just a season, it feels like a terribly long season that I would greatly appreciate being over as soon as possible. I feel as though I am always opposite of everyone else. Amazing things are happening to me and everyone else in a rough spot and when everyone else is in the midst of amazing things, I am going through rough stuff. Is it all my own perspective or what? It is the outside the window looking in feeling where I so desperately want to be a part but I am pounding on the window for someone to see me, but no one does.

I am surrounded by completely amazing people and still absolutely believe I have to hide myself from them. How sad and horrible is that. It eats at me...the stuff really going on inside of me. I have been sick for 3 weeks now and have had to be home and man have I come face to face with myself and it is ugly! I pretend so much and I try to control everything around me to make it all look like it is great. I have let little bits of me out here and there, but that is all.

I often wonder if letting the way I am now just go so I can find myself in God, if that next person I become will just do the same thing. Be fake and pretend. What is so horrible about just being me. How do I know that I have found myself because I am so used to who I have pretended to be for so long. I worry that everything will crumble underneath me.

I know...way too much thinking going on around here.

I am passionate, but not sure exactly what about. I love to love, but not exactly sure how. I live and breath people, but deal with the deepest rejection.

Anyway, that was rough and I am sorry if you endured reading through it. I so appreciate the people in my life, constantly wondering how in the world they are there, but however possible, I am grateful for that.

Hope to see signs of the next season soon. Until next time....

There's gonna be a party in my tummy!!

Gonna plant a garden, oh yeah yeah. Not sure exactly how, oh yeah yeah!
Can't wait to eat all the veggies, oh yeah yeah, better go work on it now, oh yeah yeah.