This has been a question that has stuck in my mind since Lydiane was 2. The desire to homeschool has been there, but I can't decide if my reason behind not wanting to is fear and selfishness or just that it is not what I should do. There are many people out there that say there is no other way if you are a Christian. I don't know that I agree with that statement at all, I believe that homeschooling is incredibly valuable and an amazing opportunity, but I definitely wonder if I could do it. I could find all kinds of excuses for not doing it, but we could make excuses for anything and everything too. I always say that I am just not the homeschool mom type...for example, I am too much of a busy body and wouldn't be able to keep up, or that I am so undisciplined that I would do really well for a couple of weeks and then fall way behind. There are so many options of ways to do everything as well and it seems incredibly overwhelming. I just don't know that I am cut out for it. My children currently go to a really wonderful Charter school that I really like and feel that it is a good thing, but again I can't get the homeschool journey out of my mind. I don't know, just thought I would share my thoughts.
There is a book that I would love to read that is called Educating the Wholehearted Child that I have heard of before and looks like it would be a good help if we do end up homeschooling. I think I will give it a try. Hopefully a good place to start. Thanks for letting my share. If anyone has any input, please share :)
http://www.itakejoy.com/educating-the-wholehearted-child-a-giveaway-for-the-best-book-ever/
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
2011 Roller Coaster Ride...part two
At that point I was feeling so many emotions in one moment, that I wished wasn't happening. Hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, numbness... I didn't know what to say. The nurse came in after about what felt like 30 seconds and told me what the next step was. I had the choice to either carry the twins until my body naturally miscarried them, which they didn't recommend, they could give me a pill that induced natural labor at home, or have them surgically removed. I did not want to make that decision at that moment. I told the nurse I needed to go home and I would have to let them know later. I got home and called George, my mom, and other friends and family.
I was surrounded by a house full of people that evening. With their help I made the decision to have a second opinion and wait through the weekend to get rechecked. I received prayer and had such support in such a small frantic amount of time. I was frustrated with God and I went to such a place of numbness with Him even though I was asking him to heal my babies. I was afraid of what He would tell me. The more that time goes by the more I know He was preparing me to let go. At that moment I didn't want to and I all I knew to do was hope. I did a lot of questioning as well too.
Friends and family hoped with me and prayed with me. I wasn't alone, but I knew. My church family even prayed for me on a Sunday morning, but I knew. People gave words of encouragement and things began to seem like it would go in the direction of healing. I just had to HOPE! But in my heart I knew.
Monday came and I went in for the second opinion. My doctor was there and I was glad to see him. He was so kind and compassionate. He did the ultra sound and again there was no heartbeat on either baby. He told me to go home and take some time to think about how I wanted to 'let go' of my little ones. I went home and thought and cried and talked to friends and cried and prayed and cried and yelled and cried. I don't understand, why did this happen? What are you doing God? Why would you do something so miraculous and then take it away?
3 days later I was at the hospital to have them surgically removed. I decided to do it that way because it could have taken another month for my body to naturally miscarry and it wasn't good for my health with having diabetes. I didn't do it via the pill because I couldn't bear the thought of that whole process. I honestly felt like a wimp choosing to do it surgically because it was the easiest way to deal with it. The morning of the surgery was really tough, but everyone at the hospital was very kind. It was done and I went home and went to bed. I slept most of the next day as well. I cried and yelled at God. I wish that I was the type of person that just had peace all the time even when really hard things happen....but....I am not. I scream and fight and kick and yell. Thank you Jesus that you love me anyway. This hurt. This really hurt.
So several months have gone by now and I had hoped that when I wrote part 2 of this I would have a better understanding of what God was doing with me during that time. I don't. I grieved, but the confusion of what all of that was for still lingers. One full month of a roller coaster rides, that came out of nowhere. What was the point? It came and went. Was it for nothing? I have to believe it wasn't or at least I try to believe it wasn't. Even though I am confused and at times frustrated, I know one thing...I have 2 beautiful baby boys hanging in the presence of God that I get to see someday. Jesus help me to have peace in not knowing and understanding why this happened. I guess I just have to rest in that.
You know what else? I have the most amazing and beautiful blessings I could ever ask for that I get to see everyday. I am so incredibly thankful for them.
Thanks for letting me share my process...it means a lot.
I was surrounded by a house full of people that evening. With their help I made the decision to have a second opinion and wait through the weekend to get rechecked. I received prayer and had such support in such a small frantic amount of time. I was frustrated with God and I went to such a place of numbness with Him even though I was asking him to heal my babies. I was afraid of what He would tell me. The more that time goes by the more I know He was preparing me to let go. At that moment I didn't want to and I all I knew to do was hope. I did a lot of questioning as well too.
Friends and family hoped with me and prayed with me. I wasn't alone, but I knew. My church family even prayed for me on a Sunday morning, but I knew. People gave words of encouragement and things began to seem like it would go in the direction of healing. I just had to HOPE! But in my heart I knew.
Monday came and I went in for the second opinion. My doctor was there and I was glad to see him. He was so kind and compassionate. He did the ultra sound and again there was no heartbeat on either baby. He told me to go home and take some time to think about how I wanted to 'let go' of my little ones. I went home and thought and cried and talked to friends and cried and prayed and cried and yelled and cried. I don't understand, why did this happen? What are you doing God? Why would you do something so miraculous and then take it away?
3 days later I was at the hospital to have them surgically removed. I decided to do it that way because it could have taken another month for my body to naturally miscarry and it wasn't good for my health with having diabetes. I didn't do it via the pill because I couldn't bear the thought of that whole process. I honestly felt like a wimp choosing to do it surgically because it was the easiest way to deal with it. The morning of the surgery was really tough, but everyone at the hospital was very kind. It was done and I went home and went to bed. I slept most of the next day as well. I cried and yelled at God. I wish that I was the type of person that just had peace all the time even when really hard things happen....but....I am not. I scream and fight and kick and yell. Thank you Jesus that you love me anyway. This hurt. This really hurt.
So several months have gone by now and I had hoped that when I wrote part 2 of this I would have a better understanding of what God was doing with me during that time. I don't. I grieved, but the confusion of what all of that was for still lingers. One full month of a roller coaster rides, that came out of nowhere. What was the point? It came and went. Was it for nothing? I have to believe it wasn't or at least I try to believe it wasn't. Even though I am confused and at times frustrated, I know one thing...I have 2 beautiful baby boys hanging in the presence of God that I get to see someday. Jesus help me to have peace in not knowing and understanding why this happened. I guess I just have to rest in that.
You know what else? I have the most amazing and beautiful blessings I could ever ask for that I get to see everyday. I am so incredibly thankful for them.
Thanks for letting me share my process...it means a lot.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
2011 Roller Coaster Ride...part one
Please note, I left out a lot of details because the way I write this could become a book, just tried to put the main points ha ha ha.
So once again, it has been forever. The more I think about wanting to keep up with blogging, the more I realize that I really enjoy it, I just have to find the time. It helps me process stuff and when you are an out loud processor like me with a husband who is gone 14 hours a day for work and 3 kiddos on your heals I need an out at times. So here I am...although because it has been sooo long, I have an awfully lot in my brain that needs processing. I process things over and over and over again...am I abnormal? Oh well if I am.
In November, a wonderful friend emailed me a dream that she had about me where I was pregnant and so overjoyed I couldn't even speak and that everyone around me was so overjoyed and couldn't speak either. George and I decided a while ago that we were done having beautiful babies and he had, as my friends would say, 'the snip snip'. That was 2 years ago. So my wonderful friend knew that getting pregnant wasn't really happening and believed that it meant spiritually. She said that this next season in our family's lives would be full of joy and life! WAHOOO!!! Since our last season was hell, it was so wonderful to hear that.
I honestly didn't know what she meant, but simply hoped and held on to it. So 2011 rolled around, rather quickly I might add, and things in the Obed home seemed ok, other than the fact that I wasn't sleeping at night, losing tons of hair and having no energy to do anything at all. I decided I should go get checked. I went to the doctors and they decided I should get checked for pre-menopause and have a bone density scan. The diabetes was out of control, so that was a definite reason for not feeling well also. This may be TMI, but I hadn't had a period in almost 3 years (which I am not complaining at all, but probably isn't very healthy).
As I walked out of the room and was heading to the lab for tests the nurse came walking over to me put her hand on my should and said, "wait a second, love, you are pregnant!" As the dramatic person that I am, I dropped to my knees (I know, I know ridiculous) and yelled, "Oh hell no I am not!" The nurse quickly helped me up and took me back to my room and shut the door. I cried and cried and cried... The nurse then proceeded to offer to terminate the pregnancy, 3 times! I finally told her to not ask me that again, that it wasn't even an option and that I was just in shock and needed a minute. So she left the room and gave me a minute. Shock number one.
I told George and he just sat there and after a minute asked if it was his...lol. Then he said, "well, I guess you can't argue with God, right?" He went to his doctors that week to get a refund on his vasectomy :) Unfortunately no refund, but they did confirm that it grew back together, they offered to do the surgery again at no charge. Too bad they didn't offer a years worth of diapers!
The thought of having another baby was beginning to sit with us a lot better the next week. I went to have my first ultra sound and I saw the little bean in my belly, it was too early to hear the heartbeat, but you could definitely see the heart beating inside. But wait, the room was silent for quite a while and the doctor said, "I need to show you something". Of course I thought it was something bad and got really nervous. She proceeded to show me three tiny yolk sacs. The first yolk sac didn't seem to have anything in it, then she moved to the second yolk sac where the baby and the heartbeat I saw were and then moved the ultra sound wand around some more and showed me the third yolk sac where another little body and heartbeat was. Yep, twins! There could have been three and the doctor stayed there a while to make sure there were just the two. I am 6 weeks pregnant. I just laid there and cried. Shock number two.
I called George on my way back to work, his response was, "ok, I gotta go do laundry" as the shock was setting in. I have always wanted twins and this news settled a lot faster than the initial news of being pregnant. In my mind I began thinking and planning all kinds of things, names, which room they would be in, what kind of double stroller to buy, if they would all fit in the car, what to say when people commented on my ginormous belly, how this was all going to work. It will work. God planned this in the first place, so it WILL work. I was getting excited! So were all of my amazing friends, they were all overjoyed!
I had to have an ultra sound every week because the whole situation was so risky. They told me that the chances of this happening was less then 1%. Again, this was God. They had told us that we were having identical twins, so they would both be the same sex and look exactly alike. Both George and I felt that they were boys. Malakai definitely thought that they were boys :) Lydi and Norah wanted one of each, we tried explaining to them that they were identical and they didn't care, one of each was in their minds.
I saw the two beautiful little beans inside me each week and loved it, I could barely wait for my next appointment. I was almost 10 weeks and came in for my weekly ultrasound. I went to this one by myself and was anticipating seeing them once again. This was a different nurse and she was super quiet through the whole ultrasound, I didn't think anything of it. She went out of the room and got a doctor that watched as she did the ultrasound again. My heart began to race. She kept putting on the sound and there was just dead air. She did it probably 4 or 5 times. I finally asked, what does that mean and the doctor looked at me and said, "I'm sorry but neither baby has a heartbeat". I didn't say a word, just laid there, numb.
The nurse had said to me that if it makes me feel any better they probably would have been deformed anyway, so I should be thankful that they didn't come into this world that way, I went even more numb and completely shut out everything they said from there on. They left me in the room. I cried and cried and cried...again. Shock number three.
To be continued...
So once again, it has been forever. The more I think about wanting to keep up with blogging, the more I realize that I really enjoy it, I just have to find the time. It helps me process stuff and when you are an out loud processor like me with a husband who is gone 14 hours a day for work and 3 kiddos on your heals I need an out at times. So here I am...although because it has been sooo long, I have an awfully lot in my brain that needs processing. I process things over and over and over again...am I abnormal? Oh well if I am.
In November, a wonderful friend emailed me a dream that she had about me where I was pregnant and so overjoyed I couldn't even speak and that everyone around me was so overjoyed and couldn't speak either. George and I decided a while ago that we were done having beautiful babies and he had, as my friends would say, 'the snip snip'. That was 2 years ago. So my wonderful friend knew that getting pregnant wasn't really happening and believed that it meant spiritually. She said that this next season in our family's lives would be full of joy and life! WAHOOO!!! Since our last season was hell, it was so wonderful to hear that.
I honestly didn't know what she meant, but simply hoped and held on to it. So 2011 rolled around, rather quickly I might add, and things in the Obed home seemed ok, other than the fact that I wasn't sleeping at night, losing tons of hair and having no energy to do anything at all. I decided I should go get checked. I went to the doctors and they decided I should get checked for pre-menopause and have a bone density scan. The diabetes was out of control, so that was a definite reason for not feeling well also. This may be TMI, but I hadn't had a period in almost 3 years (which I am not complaining at all, but probably isn't very healthy).
As I walked out of the room and was heading to the lab for tests the nurse came walking over to me put her hand on my should and said, "wait a second, love, you are pregnant!" As the dramatic person that I am, I dropped to my knees (I know, I know ridiculous) and yelled, "Oh hell no I am not!" The nurse quickly helped me up and took me back to my room and shut the door. I cried and cried and cried... The nurse then proceeded to offer to terminate the pregnancy, 3 times! I finally told her to not ask me that again, that it wasn't even an option and that I was just in shock and needed a minute. So she left the room and gave me a minute. Shock number one.
I told George and he just sat there and after a minute asked if it was his...lol. Then he said, "well, I guess you can't argue with God, right?" He went to his doctors that week to get a refund on his vasectomy :) Unfortunately no refund, but they did confirm that it grew back together, they offered to do the surgery again at no charge. Too bad they didn't offer a years worth of diapers!
The thought of having another baby was beginning to sit with us a lot better the next week. I went to have my first ultra sound and I saw the little bean in my belly, it was too early to hear the heartbeat, but you could definitely see the heart beating inside. But wait, the room was silent for quite a while and the doctor said, "I need to show you something". Of course I thought it was something bad and got really nervous. She proceeded to show me three tiny yolk sacs. The first yolk sac didn't seem to have anything in it, then she moved to the second yolk sac where the baby and the heartbeat I saw were and then moved the ultra sound wand around some more and showed me the third yolk sac where another little body and heartbeat was. Yep, twins! There could have been three and the doctor stayed there a while to make sure there were just the two. I am 6 weeks pregnant. I just laid there and cried. Shock number two.
I called George on my way back to work, his response was, "ok, I gotta go do laundry" as the shock was setting in. I have always wanted twins and this news settled a lot faster than the initial news of being pregnant. In my mind I began thinking and planning all kinds of things, names, which room they would be in, what kind of double stroller to buy, if they would all fit in the car, what to say when people commented on my ginormous belly, how this was all going to work. It will work. God planned this in the first place, so it WILL work. I was getting excited! So were all of my amazing friends, they were all overjoyed!
I had to have an ultra sound every week because the whole situation was so risky. They told me that the chances of this happening was less then 1%. Again, this was God. They had told us that we were having identical twins, so they would both be the same sex and look exactly alike. Both George and I felt that they were boys. Malakai definitely thought that they were boys :) Lydi and Norah wanted one of each, we tried explaining to them that they were identical and they didn't care, one of each was in their minds.
I saw the two beautiful little beans inside me each week and loved it, I could barely wait for my next appointment. I was almost 10 weeks and came in for my weekly ultrasound. I went to this one by myself and was anticipating seeing them once again. This was a different nurse and she was super quiet through the whole ultrasound, I didn't think anything of it. She went out of the room and got a doctor that watched as she did the ultrasound again. My heart began to race. She kept putting on the sound and there was just dead air. She did it probably 4 or 5 times. I finally asked, what does that mean and the doctor looked at me and said, "I'm sorry but neither baby has a heartbeat". I didn't say a word, just laid there, numb.
The nurse had said to me that if it makes me feel any better they probably would have been deformed anyway, so I should be thankful that they didn't come into this world that way, I went even more numb and completely shut out everything they said from there on. They left me in the room. I cried and cried and cried...again. Shock number three.
To be continued...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Mokavi?
Wow it has been a long while! So lets see, what is new with me....not a lot, well a lot inside my head going on, but not much outside of that ha ha ha :). Adjusting to having a house, I LOVE it! The Loveday wedding was fabulous. It was like Lord of the Rings moment, when Leslie walked down the isle in the snow in her white fur lined cape. Amazing!
Bought our first newer car....ha ha ha it is a 2000, but that is the newest we have ever owned, it has only 83,000 miles on it. It is a minivan, and sadly I love it....hee hee hee.
I am more and more contemplating starting my business, that I have been dreaming about for forever and actually beginning to put together a business plan and put money aside to purchased equipment. CRAZY, but exciting! Having a hard time coming up with names...have a few in mind, but nothing has struck me like, "that's it!" if you know what I mean. Also really really considering homeschooling Lydiane next year. I think I will put Kai in public school for at least Kindergarten and see how it goes. I think him being with other kids and in a classroom environment will be really good for him and for me too LOL! Lydi begs me to homeschool, she tells me all the time, I have told everyone in my class all about Jesus already, so I am ready for the next thing mom...yikes! A little missionary :)
I have been so impressed with myself lately with keeping my house clean, cooking yummy dinners, and actually spending really good quality time with the kids, some days are better than others though :). I have realized that I just need to lay things down in this season of my life. A lot of the what I have had to lay down is relationships. That has been extremely hard, but through this discovering 'me' process and getting rid of so many fear issues and seeking mans approval and laying down of relationships that I have allowed to control me, it has been incredibly liberating and exciting. I have never been like this in my whole life. I am loving it. I am even doing a study on David, which this sounds terrible, but I have never done a Bible study on my own in my life. I have tried, but always got too busy. I love it so much that I look forward to it everyday. I feel so different in the sense that if I skip a day it doesn't make a difference. Something has left me and freedom has taken its place YEYEAH!! :)
I guess a lot more than I thought has been going on with me. Ha ha ha!
Bought our first newer car....ha ha ha it is a 2000, but that is the newest we have ever owned, it has only 83,000 miles on it. It is a minivan, and sadly I love it....hee hee hee.
I am more and more contemplating starting my business, that I have been dreaming about for forever and actually beginning to put together a business plan and put money aside to purchased equipment. CRAZY, but exciting! Having a hard time coming up with names...have a few in mind, but nothing has struck me like, "that's it!" if you know what I mean. Also really really considering homeschooling Lydiane next year. I think I will put Kai in public school for at least Kindergarten and see how it goes. I think him being with other kids and in a classroom environment will be really good for him and for me too LOL! Lydi begs me to homeschool, she tells me all the time, I have told everyone in my class all about Jesus already, so I am ready for the next thing mom...yikes! A little missionary :)
I have been so impressed with myself lately with keeping my house clean, cooking yummy dinners, and actually spending really good quality time with the kids, some days are better than others though :). I have realized that I just need to lay things down in this season of my life. A lot of the what I have had to lay down is relationships. That has been extremely hard, but through this discovering 'me' process and getting rid of so many fear issues and seeking mans approval and laying down of relationships that I have allowed to control me, it has been incredibly liberating and exciting. I have never been like this in my whole life. I am loving it. I am even doing a study on David, which this sounds terrible, but I have never done a Bible study on my own in my life. I have tried, but always got too busy. I love it so much that I look forward to it everyday. I feel so different in the sense that if I skip a day it doesn't make a difference. Something has left me and freedom has taken its place YEYEAH!! :)
I guess a lot more than I thought has been going on with me. Ha ha ha!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
MYTHS
So the last post I did turns out to be a complete myth. That just makes me sad that people make up stories like this when it is completely not true. I'm a little discouraged, but glad I know the truth too. Although I still completely believe that God wants us to learn to hide in Him being completely exposed and bare and allowing Him to renew us. Eagles do not renew themselves from what I have researched. Please if anyone has facts on this that are different, please let me know. I am totally curious now. Thanks Rebecca for letting me know as I did my own research as well, after the fact. Good learning experience....lovin the process :)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
What a beauty He is!
My wonderful friend Laura gave me this article today that ministered to me so much that I want to try and share with you...it was talking about eagles and how there is a point in an eagles life where is gets old and has to make a choice to renew its strength or to just wait out its time to die. It is the only animal that can actually renew its strength. As an eagle grows old it develops crustacean around its beak and its feathers start to break and fall out. If the eagle chooses to have its strength renewed it goes off to find a cave that can sustain it through the amount of time it needs to go through this process. The cave must have food and water nearby.
Once it finds this cave it begins to scratch of this crustacean off with the rock and it begins to pluck out its feathers out one by one all while sitting inside this cave hidden in 'the rock'. It does this until it is completely bare and everything is exposed. You can see every scratch and scar on its body. Three times a day the eagle goes to a waterfall and stands under the water for a long period of time. It takes 30 days for the wings to grow back and another week for oil sacks to grow under its wings and the process to end.
There are so many parallels to us and our Creator and how He wants us to hide in Him and get completely bare and uncovered and allow Him to wash over us and renew our strength and give us fresh oil. I think it looks different in each persons life too. I think I am finding out that the place where this happens to me is in a very childlike way. I find myself going to a place in my imagination with God where I can be like a child just spending time with him and talking with Him about what is going on with me. It is also a place where there are no stresses or cares of my daily life. There is freedom to be me and to be bare and exposed without any judgment or condemnation.
What a beauty you are Jesus...
Once it finds this cave it begins to scratch of this crustacean off with the rock and it begins to pluck out its feathers out one by one all while sitting inside this cave hidden in 'the rock'. It does this until it is completely bare and everything is exposed. You can see every scratch and scar on its body. Three times a day the eagle goes to a waterfall and stands under the water for a long period of time. It takes 30 days for the wings to grow back and another week for oil sacks to grow under its wings and the process to end.
There are so many parallels to us and our Creator and how He wants us to hide in Him and get completely bare and uncovered and allow Him to wash over us and renew our strength and give us fresh oil. I think it looks different in each persons life too. I think I am finding out that the place where this happens to me is in a very childlike way. I find myself going to a place in my imagination with God where I can be like a child just spending time with him and talking with Him about what is going on with me. It is also a place where there are no stresses or cares of my daily life. There is freedom to be me and to be bare and exposed without any judgment or condemnation.
What a beauty you are Jesus...
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