One Great Weekend!

Had the best time with my husband this past weekend. The kids spent the night at my mom's house and George and I sat at home a talked about amazing things for about 2 hours. Then we got up and went out for some yummy Thai food and thought about a movie, but instead joined friends and family at a club called 'Keys on Main', where there was some piano battling going on. We stayed for about an hour and then went home and talked about our dreams for another hour or so.

Woke up Saturday with nothing to do, which was an incredibly amazing feeling. We got up and went out to the big Farmer's Market downtown. We ate food and checked out all the fabulous art, and purchased some fresh fruits and veggies to go with our gourmet lunch we decided to make at my moms house.

We held hands, laughed, and dreamed, which is something that hasn't happened in a REALLY long time. It was the best 2 days! I love you babe!

Steps

I am loving the rain. A storm speaks so much emotion. I am moving in anger, frustration, unending tears, but then I feel lightning bolts hit every now and then that are these moments in God that are so profound to me, unlike any other time in my life. So cool and refreshing in this time.

This morning an amazing person came and spent time with me and allowed God to speak through her to me. There was warfare, tears, and joy. The most impacting word that has been spoken to me over the past couple of months was 'simplicity'. A normal word, used often, but sounded so different this morning, like God was whispering it to me.

I am so incredibly blessed by my amazing children and the amazing friends and family in my life, but it is all crap if I can't love who I am. I have nothing to give away if I can't find the value or worth inside of me. I have bottomed out and am learning who I truly am and that I DO have so much to give away because of God in me, that is where hope is and with Him I am lovely, beautiful, amazing, powerful, and worth it (just haven't gotten to that point of quite believing that yet). In the meantime I'm dealing with the grossness of my insides, the past beliefs, the pride and selfishness, and the lies I have believed.

I feel so duped by the enemy, but the worst part is I am the one who has handed it right over to him. It is hard to wonder how many things I have lost or missed because of the lies I have believed. Man does it piss me off!

So simplicity, like I said before I think I can do that...that word even gives me hope. Not exactly sure why, but that is pretty typical right now. I almost feel like I am learning to walk all over again. I so just want every moment of this process to be filled with God and nothing else. I am terrified of shoving myself into places or comfortable or habitual beliefs, but then again, I just need to not give in to that and just let God do His thing.

I don't know what else to write....except that there is this full, huge, incredible rainbow in the sky with light illuminating the mountains that is screaming the promises of God that I so absolutely needed to experience.

The end of myself

Well, that's it, I came to the end of myself, whoever that was. I thought it was the worst place to be in and thought there was nothing left to hold on to, so I ran. I would have kept going and probably done something really stupid, but because of the amazing little treasures that God has given me and I'm sure His grace, I came back to reality.

So now for the journey back up the mountain, the mountain of God instead of the mountain I had created. I had an incredible conversation that I really was fighting to not listen to, but it helped me make a little more sense of what happened to me. I thought I had snapped, time to check me in, but it was that I hit rock bottom of my life or actually myself. I now am beginning to realize that I am right where God wants me to be. Although incredibly confusing it makes some sense.

The night this happened I screamed and screamed at God and threw all my expectations, hopes, dreams, etc out the window and was also very aware of my fear, selfishness, pride, and all the issues that have paralyzed for me way too long. That night I sat in a pool of that stuff, for what felt like a really long time. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to be done.

I have really struggled with figuring out how to move from this place of knowing a lot, but believing very little and coming face to face with what I have allowed to build inside and realizing why I feel I am not worth it. It is all things that I have built up in myself or allowed other people to build in me. I guess I will begin by taking it slow and one day at a time and just allowing myself to be opinionated (a whole new idea to me) and emotional and whatever else I need to allow myself to process. Whether I lose relationship or not, those who truly love me will love me in my complete wretchedness. I have a feeling I will be pretty wretched in this process, but I am ok with that. I want to be filled entirely by Him, everything of Him, all of Him. I want to be who I am supposed to be, who I am created to be, no matter how long that takes. No more worrying what people think and if they won't like me or that I have nothing to offer, if I am oozing with Jesus, well then everyone will want to know me, because of Him.

I am understanding so much by simply writing, this is amazing. I want my reality to be God and His amazingness, not a striving to be pieces of everyone else.

Thanks for loving me through my discovery. Now on to my journey.....

Seasons

I feel like I am in a really dark place in my life right now. It has been a while since I have updated my blog, mostly because I have had no idea what to say, but also because if I shared what was going on inside then I would just be weird. What is the point of pretending though. I am not a dark person at all, in fact I am usually full of joy and very optimistic. I am in a desperate place in my life that I have shoved to the side because, lets face it, who really wants to be around someone like that. I know I don't enjoy it!

I guess my question is, is there a way out of this? Is it just a season, it feels like a terribly long season that I would greatly appreciate being over as soon as possible. I feel as though I am always opposite of everyone else. Amazing things are happening to me and everyone else in a rough spot and when everyone else is in the midst of amazing things, I am going through rough stuff. Is it all my own perspective or what? It is the outside the window looking in feeling where I so desperately want to be a part but I am pounding on the window for someone to see me, but no one does.

I am surrounded by completely amazing people and still absolutely believe I have to hide myself from them. How sad and horrible is that. It eats at me...the stuff really going on inside of me. I have been sick for 3 weeks now and have had to be home and man have I come face to face with myself and it is ugly! I pretend so much and I try to control everything around me to make it all look like it is great. I have let little bits of me out here and there, but that is all.

I often wonder if letting the way I am now just go so I can find myself in God, if that next person I become will just do the same thing. Be fake and pretend. What is so horrible about just being me. How do I know that I have found myself because I am so used to who I have pretended to be for so long. I worry that everything will crumble underneath me.

I know...way too much thinking going on around here.

I am passionate, but not sure exactly what about. I love to love, but not exactly sure how. I live and breath people, but deal with the deepest rejection.

Anyway, that was rough and I am sorry if you endured reading through it. I so appreciate the people in my life, constantly wondering how in the world they are there, but however possible, I am grateful for that.

Hope to see signs of the next season soon. Until next time....

There's gonna be a party in my tummy!!

Gonna plant a garden, oh yeah yeah. Not sure exactly how, oh yeah yeah!
Can't wait to eat all the veggies, oh yeah yeah, better go work on it now, oh yeah yeah.

Revelation

I absolutely love receiving revelation! It is the greatest feeling EVER. So my husband lost his job last week and we were both in shock that day and a little freaked out. This has happened 3 times in the past 4 years. Just wasn't making sense. So obviously, like a reoccurring dream, I figured God is trying to tell us something, trying to get us to do something different. A friend gave a word that was about limitless possibilities. Wasn't sure what that meant, but trusted God to show us and Oh is He so showing us!!!

It is little by little everyday and it is so exciting. We are choosing not to allow worry and fear overcome us, instead we are choosing joy and thanksgiving in this amazing season of limitless possibilities! I'm praying about which one to tap in to. I have decided that instead of worrying about our needs (cuz God says he will provide for those) I am going to to just keep walking forward and knocking on all those doors till the right one opens :) Be encouraged!! We keep going in this same circle and God is obviously trying to get our attention :) So we are paying attention now. ha ha ha - I am having revelation as I am typing this WOW!! Oh is He so amazing!!!

Could he be anymore insanely wonderful....seriously and to imagine that I am only discovering a very minute part of our incredible God.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and love for us. Who can compare?

Thinking out loud

I so can't do anything without God and His amazing and unfailing love and grace in my life. I am so grateful to know that I have hope to overcome anything that gets in the way of me walking out my destiny, it is just a matter of me fully believing it. I can not even begin to imagine what one mintue, let alone one day, would be like without My Jesus. I get so tired of trying to manage my life and figure things out, like I have some clue what would be best for me! I want to so desperately learn how to fall back into the arms of God and trust Him for every step I take.

He made me to worship Him and He delights in me...yes me! Wow, what an incredibly thought provoking and humbling statement. I know that I would never choose to live without Him. Everything else is just a blurr...