Sunday, May 22, 2011

2011 Roller Coaster Ride...part two

At that point I was feeling so many emotions in one moment, that I wished wasn't happening. Hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, frustration, numbness... I didn't know what to say. The nurse came in after about what felt like 30 seconds and told me what the next step was. I had the choice to either carry the twins until my body naturally miscarried them, which they didn't recommend, they could give me a pill that induced natural labor at home, or have them surgically removed. I did not want to make that decision at that moment. I told the nurse I needed to go home and I would have to let them know later. I got home and called George, my mom, and other friends and family.

I was surrounded by a house full of people that evening. With their help I made the decision to have a second opinion and wait through the weekend to get rechecked. I received prayer and had such support in such a small frantic amount of time. I was frustrated with God and I went to such a place of numbness with Him even though I was asking him to heal my babies. I was afraid of what He would tell me. The more that time goes by the more I know He was preparing me to let go. At that moment I didn't want to and I all I knew to do was hope. I did a lot of questioning as well too.

Friends and family hoped with me and prayed with me. I wasn't alone, but I knew. My church family even prayed for me on a Sunday morning, but I knew. People gave words of encouragement and things began to seem like it would go in the direction of healing. I just had to HOPE! But in my heart I knew.

Monday came and I went in for the second opinion. My doctor was there and I was glad to see him. He was so kind and compassionate. He did the ultra sound and again there was no heartbeat on either baby. He told me to go home and take some time to think about how I wanted to 'let go' of my little ones. I went home and thought and cried and talked to friends and cried and prayed and cried and yelled and cried. I don't understand, why did this happen? What are you doing God? Why would you do something so miraculous and then take it away?

3 days later I was at the hospital to have them surgically removed. I decided to do it that way because it could have taken another month for my body to naturally miscarry and it wasn't good for my health with having diabetes. I didn't do it via the pill because I couldn't bear the thought of that whole process. I honestly felt like a wimp choosing to do it surgically because it was the easiest way to deal with it. The morning of the surgery was really tough, but everyone at the hospital was very kind. It was done and I went home and went to bed. I slept most of the next day as well. I cried and yelled at God. I wish that I was the type of person that just had peace all the time even when really hard things happen....but....I am not. I scream and fight and kick and yell. Thank you Jesus that you love me anyway. This hurt. This really hurt.

So several months have gone by now and I had hoped that when I wrote part 2 of this I would have a better understanding of what God was doing with me during that time. I don't. I grieved, but the confusion of what all of that was for still lingers. One full month of a roller coaster rides, that came out of nowhere. What was the point? It came and went. Was it for nothing? I have to believe it wasn't or at least I try to believe it wasn't. Even though I am confused and at times frustrated, I know one thing...I have 2 beautiful baby boys hanging in the presence of God that I get to see someday. Jesus help me to have peace in not knowing and understanding why this happened. I guess I just have to rest in that.

You know what else? I have the most amazing and beautiful blessings I could ever ask for that I get to see everyday. I am so incredibly thankful for them.

Thanks for letting me share my means a lot.


Juanita Doll said...

Good job sister, love you.

Spenc, Nikki, and the Littles said...

I love you and this was hard for even me to read. I can't imagine how it must have felt to actually have gone through the process personally. I do know that you are an inspirational, strong, and godly woman that I admire and look up to. I love you and thank you for having the strength to share your story.

Joel said...

I admire your honesty. Love ya!

Kate Smith said...

That is so hard to go through. I know, because the same exact thing happened to me at 10 weeks with 1 about a month ago. Don't think you are a wimp for having surgery - I took the pills and it was the most excruciating thing I've ever had to do, both physically and emotionally. Know that you are strong and that God has a plan. I still have no idea of the "why" either, but He knows and we just have to trust it. If you need to talk, let me know. It gets easier for me everyday...
God bless you and your cute family!!! Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Love you Jamie.

Your experience is touching so many.

Thank you so much for letting us in that hard, hard faith shaking place with you.

So much love to you,
Sandra, Tim and Marissa

jennifer said...

I took the 'easy' way out and had surgery to remove my daughter( who was 4 months old) from my womb the day after Mothers Day, but that was the only option I was given 11 years ago. But you should feel proud of yourself anyways, cause even taking the 'easy' way out is one of the most difficult things you will ever go through, and come out on the other side with your head held high, and be able to continue to be an inspiration to those around you. And you are truely an inspiration. I can tell you that the pain never goes away but it does get easier to bear. Love you, and thank you for being YOU!