Friday, July 18, 2014

A jumbled mess of new thoughts

I have so many different thoughts in my head right now and I am just going to write them all down and leave them here. Something that I am learning is that any marriage can get through what looks like an impossible situation, but the key is that not just one person, but both people have to be completely committed to each other no matter what, to work through it. To do whatever it takes. You are only responsible for you. For your actions, your choices, and what you put in to any relationship, you can't make any one do something or change something. This divorce has been so incredibly challenging and the reality is that even though this is the farthest thing from what my desires were, I still have desires, I still have value, I have still have worth, God still has a beautiful plan for my life, he still has a beautiful plan for my kids' life, and my ex-husbands life. Because He is just good that way. He is a pro at redemption and showing off and loving us in the darkest of times.

I had a conversation last night with some of my girlfriends about how sometimes when we begin to find ourselves as human beings and even more as one of God's kids, we start to believe in the amazingness of who we are and what we have to give and offer back to God, to those around us, and to the world. It can look, to some, like a snobby kind of confidence, but it is the complete opposite. It is that through us standing up and speaking out and being exactly who God created us to be, we bring Him the ultimate glory, because we are created by Him to do what He asks of us to do.

One of my absolute favorite quotes is this:

It is absolute truth! So no matter what you are going through, no matter how raw you feel and empty and lonely the situation is, you are beautiful, worthy, made to be exactly who you were created to be and the hard situations and bad choices and wrong paths aren't what defines you.

These thoughts are rocking my world right now and taking me to higher and deeper places. I would be lying if I said I felt great and everything was doing better and I wasn't angry with God. All of those feelings are still a part of where I am at, but I am working on getting to the truth of the matter and pushing aside all of the myths. The truth sets us free!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The process.

Each day feels like it moves so slowly, but when I think of the time that has gone by, it has gone quickly. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. I am so grateful I have my wonderful kiddos that give me a reason to get out of bed and get moving. I am finding a bit more energy to get organized and have things move a little more smoothly. I think when I go through hard times, you can tell in my home. Things aren't very clean and organized the way I wish they would be. I would rather not be home to look at it either.

This next week, my kids are leaving for the first time away from me for a whole week. I have gone without them before, but as a married person. I keep trying to think of the things I will do while they are gone. This is just another reason I am so grateful I live with people and not alone. Granted I want to get to that point where I can live on my own, but for now I just need to be.

I have amazing people in life that I am incredibly grateful for and who mean well, but say things that just get me at times. I am a very emotional person who feels alot. Actually I feel everything and very deeply. I have heard everything from, want to smoke a joint, to lets go get drunk, to just turn on the tv and don't think about anything. Don't get me wrong, I have thought all of those things myself and have contemplated every one. But because I feel so much and because I believe God allows us to feel pain, there has to be a reason for it. So I am determined to face this and feel it in every area I have to feel it. Please, remind me of this when I am having breakdown. I don't want any of this to sneak up and bite me in the butt later in life. I want to know that I faced this and walked through it and laid it at the feet of Jesus and grew from it. It sounds so easy when I am typing it. It isn't. I think the hardest part for me is that I don't feel like I can help my kids much right now, even though I want to. I don't have answers, I don't know what to say, and if I did know what to say I would probably just be a basket case. I am tense all of the time and on edge with them. They have a watched a lot of tv lately, which I hate. I don't want them to process with tv either. I just have to trust that they will walk this out with God and hopefully I will be an example somehow of facing things and moving forward. We say a lot in our home that 'you can do hard things'. I don't want to remove a mountain from my child's path, but I want to teach them and help them climb it. That is easier said than done at times too. All a work in progress.

I bought a new car this week. First time I have ever bought a car from a dealership. I was raised to never do that. I did it. I have a bit of buyer's remorse because I have never paid more than $7,000 for a car in my life and I have had a lot of cars. I am also grateful though that I have a car that won't break down and that will be a good car for a while.

My business is moving really slow still. There are a lot of stand still moments where I just have to wait on other people and can't really move forward. It is frustrating at times, but again I am grateful that it isn't super crazy and stressful.

I have been angry at God. I don't want to talk to Him nor do I want Him to talk to me. It has been a while since I have. I guess I don't want to know what is next. I guess I didn't want it to hurt so much. I guess I don't know if I want Him to say 'He loves me', like He always does because I feel ashamed of where I am at in life right now. I know that He meets us where we are and I know He is so good, but I am frustrated and mad at the moment.

I am going to attempt to update weekly. We will see, especially because I said it hahaha! Hope today is a beautiful day for you!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Starting Over...

It has been a few years since I have written a blog post. I love to journal and write, but I find it difficult to find the time amongst everything else that is always going on. It is a great joy and great relief to write though and since I once again am going through another season of transition, I am hoping that this will help the process. Not to mention sharing our own struggles and successes with each other is real and hopefully brings hope and encouragement to each other. Life is full of dramatic changes, transitions, failures, successes, joy, happiness, tears and sorrow. I want to be great at living a life of gratefulness and simplicity in the midst of it all.

Although it has been such a long while, my transparency in life has not changed and I am still a pretty open book. So I will start by saying that I am walking through something I never thought would be possible in my life. I am going through a divorce. It grieves me to just say that. I don't want anyone to follow in my foot steps and I feel that I have just wanted to isolate and seclude myself from the world so that there wouldn't be anyone who would want to 'be like me'. I have never experienced grief the way I have during this process. I thought I was ok at first and then one morning woke up with incredible amount of pain in my gut and an emptiness that I can't explain. I didn't want to get out of bed and I felt like I couldn't breath. I have heard people say that the best way to get through hard things is to press into the pain. I believe that as well, but when this happened, I wasn't sure what that looked like and what it meant. God allows us to feel pain, so I believe there is a reason for it. So instead of numbing it, I have been determined to feel every single bit of it and to allow myself to experience all the different emotions that come with it as well. Feels a little awkward when you are grocery shopping and bawling your eyes down each isle, but I just don't care at the moment. I want to get it all out now. America doesn't do grief very well.

I am now a single mom with three beautiful little creatures that I still love and adore. I am starting over. I currently live in some very dear friends' basement and yes we are squished, but I feel very fortunate at this time to be here. I have started my own insurance billing business from home, that I didn't think would be as hard as it is, but it is taking forever. There has been a lot of favor along the way though and I am grateful. I ran my very first 5K in May, which has been something on my dream list for 3 years now. And last, but not least, we were building a home, that has obviously come to a halt and even if it didn't, we recently found out that our 2.5 acres of beauty, is unbuildable for a home. Oh the crazy lives we live.

So now what? Now, I am going to try to take it one day at a time. I am going to rediscover me and the things I love and cherish and I am going to start dreaming again. I want to face this pain and healing and get everything I can possibly get from it. I want to be the best mom I can be and I want to work really hard to be there and help my children walk through this process of transition that they got the short end of the stick in.

There is an update on my life. I will be try and update on individual things as I go. Just to warn you, this will be messy, this will be raw, but this is real life.