Thursday, July 10, 2014

The process.

Each day feels like it moves so slowly, but when I think of the time that has gone by, it has gone quickly. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. I am so grateful I have my wonderful kiddos that give me a reason to get out of bed and get moving. I am finding a bit more energy to get organized and have things move a little more smoothly. I think when I go through hard times, you can tell in my home. Things aren't very clean and organized the way I wish they would be. I would rather not be home to look at it either.

This next week, my kids are leaving for the first time away from me for a whole week. I have gone without them before, but as a married person. I keep trying to think of the things I will do while they are gone. This is just another reason I am so grateful I live with people and not alone. Granted I want to get to that point where I can live on my own, but for now I just need to be.

I have amazing people in life that I am incredibly grateful for and who mean well, but say things that just get me at times. I am a very emotional person who feels alot. Actually I feel everything and very deeply. I have heard everything from, want to smoke a joint, to lets go get drunk, to just turn on the tv and don't think about anything. Don't get me wrong, I have thought all of those things myself and have contemplated every one. But because I feel so much and because I believe God allows us to feel pain, there has to be a reason for it. So I am determined to face this and feel it in every area I have to feel it. Please, remind me of this when I am having breakdown. I don't want any of this to sneak up and bite me in the butt later in life. I want to know that I faced this and walked through it and laid it at the feet of Jesus and grew from it. It sounds so easy when I am typing it. It isn't. I think the hardest part for me is that I don't feel like I can help my kids much right now, even though I want to. I don't have answers, I don't know what to say, and if I did know what to say I would probably just be a basket case. I am tense all of the time and on edge with them. They have a watched a lot of tv lately, which I hate. I don't want them to process with tv either. I just have to trust that they will walk this out with God and hopefully I will be an example somehow of facing things and moving forward. We say a lot in our home that 'you can do hard things'. I don't want to remove a mountain from my child's path, but I want to teach them and help them climb it. That is easier said than done at times too. All a work in progress.

I bought a new car this week. First time I have ever bought a car from a dealership. I was raised to never do that. I did it. I have a bit of buyer's remorse because I have never paid more than $7,000 for a car in my life and I have had a lot of cars. I am also grateful though that I have a car that won't break down and that will be a good car for a while.

My business is moving really slow still. There are a lot of stand still moments where I just have to wait on other people and can't really move forward. It is frustrating at times, but again I am grateful that it isn't super crazy and stressful.

I have been angry at God. I don't want to talk to Him nor do I want Him to talk to me. It has been a while since I have. I guess I don't want to know what is next. I guess I didn't want it to hurt so much. I guess I don't know if I want Him to say 'He loves me', like He always does because I feel ashamed of where I am at in life right now. I know that He meets us where we are and I know He is so good, but I am frustrated and mad at the moment.

I am going to attempt to update weekly. We will see, especially because I said it hahaha! Hope today is a beautiful day for you!

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