Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Starting Over...

It has been a few years since I have written a blog post. I love to journal and write, but I find it difficult to find the time amongst everything else that is always going on. It is a great joy and great relief to write though and since I once again am going through another season of transition, I am hoping that this will help the process. Not to mention sharing our own struggles and successes with each other is real and hopefully brings hope and encouragement to each other. Life is full of dramatic changes, transitions, failures, successes, joy, happiness, tears and sorrow. I want to be great at living a life of gratefulness and simplicity in the midst of it all.

Although it has been such a long while, my transparency in life has not changed and I am still a pretty open book. So I will start by saying that I am walking through something I never thought would be possible in my life. I am going through a divorce. It grieves me to just say that. I don't want anyone to follow in my foot steps and I feel that I have just wanted to isolate and seclude myself from the world so that there wouldn't be anyone who would want to 'be like me'. I have never experienced grief the way I have during this process. I thought I was ok at first and then one morning woke up with incredible amount of pain in my gut and an emptiness that I can't explain. I didn't want to get out of bed and I felt like I couldn't breath. I have heard people say that the best way to get through hard things is to press into the pain. I believe that as well, but when this happened, I wasn't sure what that looked like and what it meant. God allows us to feel pain, so I believe there is a reason for it. So instead of numbing it, I have been determined to feel every single bit of it and to allow myself to experience all the different emotions that come with it as well. Feels a little awkward when you are grocery shopping and bawling your eyes down each isle, but I just don't care at the moment. I want to get it all out now. America doesn't do grief very well.

I am now a single mom with three beautiful little creatures that I still love and adore. I am starting over. I currently live in some very dear friends' basement and yes we are squished, but I feel very fortunate at this time to be here. I have started my own insurance billing business from home, that I didn't think would be as hard as it is, but it is taking forever. There has been a lot of favor along the way though and I am grateful. I ran my very first 5K in May, which has been something on my dream list for 3 years now. And last, but not least, we were building a home, that has obviously come to a halt and even if it didn't, we recently found out that our 2.5 acres of beauty, is unbuildable for a home. Oh the crazy lives we live.

So now what? Now, I am going to try to take it one day at a time. I am going to rediscover me and the things I love and cherish and I am going to start dreaming again. I want to face this pain and healing and get everything I can possibly get from it. I want to be the best mom I can be and I want to work really hard to be there and help my children walk through this process of transition that they got the short end of the stick in.

There is an update on my life. I will be try and update on individual things as I go. Just to warn you, this will be messy, this will be raw, but this is real life.

No comments: