Well, that's it, I came to the end of myself, whoever that was. I thought it was the worst place to be in and thought there was nothing left to hold on to, so I ran. I would have kept going and probably done something really stupid, but because of the amazing little treasures that God has given me and I'm sure His grace, I came back to reality.
So now for the journey back up the mountain, the mountain of God instead of the mountain I had created. I had an incredible conversation that I really was fighting to not listen to, but it helped me make a little more sense of what happened to me. I thought I had snapped, time to check me in, but it was that I hit rock bottom of my life or actually myself. I now am beginning to realize that I am right where God wants me to be. Although incredibly confusing it makes some sense.
The night this happened I screamed and screamed at God and threw all my expectations, hopes, dreams, etc out the window and was also very aware of my fear, selfishness, pride, and all the issues that have paralyzed for me way too long. That night I sat in a pool of that stuff, for what felt like a really long time. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to be done.
I have really struggled with figuring out how to move from this place of knowing a lot, but believing very little and coming face to face with what I have allowed to build inside and realizing why I feel I am not worth it. It is all things that I have built up in myself or allowed other people to build in me. I guess I will begin by taking it slow and one day at a time and just allowing myself to be opinionated (a whole new idea to me) and emotional and whatever else I need to allow myself to process. Whether I lose relationship or not, those who truly love me will love me in my complete wretchedness. I have a feeling I will be pretty wretched in this process, but I am ok with that. I want to be filled entirely by Him, everything of Him, all of Him. I want to be who I am supposed to be, who I am created to be, no matter how long that takes. No more worrying what people think and if they won't like me or that I have nothing to offer, if I am oozing with Jesus, well then everyone will want to know me, because of Him.
I am understanding so much by simply writing, this is amazing. I want my reality to be God and His amazingness, not a striving to be pieces of everyone else.
Thanks for loving me through my discovery. Now on to my journey.....