I feel like I am in a really dark place in my life right now. It has been a while since I have updated my blog, mostly because I have had no idea what to say, but also because if I shared what was going on inside then I would just be weird. What is the point of pretending though. I am not a dark person at all, in fact I am usually full of joy and very optimistic. I am in a desperate place in my life that I have shoved to the side because, lets face it, who really wants to be around someone like that. I know I don't enjoy it!
I guess my question is, is there a way out of this? Is it just a season, it feels like a terribly long season that I would greatly appreciate being over as soon as possible. I feel as though I am always opposite of everyone else. Amazing things are happening to me and everyone else in a rough spot and when everyone else is in the midst of amazing things, I am going through rough stuff. Is it all my own perspective or what? It is the outside the window looking in feeling where I so desperately want to be a part but I am pounding on the window for someone to see me, but no one does.
I am surrounded by completely amazing people and still absolutely believe I have to hide myself from them. How sad and horrible is that. It eats at me...the stuff really going on inside of me. I have been sick for 3 weeks now and have had to be home and man have I come face to face with myself and it is ugly! I pretend so much and I try to control everything around me to make it all look like it is great. I have let little bits of me out here and there, but that is all.
I often wonder if letting the way I am now just go so I can find myself in God, if that next person I become will just do the same thing. Be fake and pretend. What is so horrible about just being me. How do I know that I have found myself because I am so used to who I have pretended to be for so long. I worry that everything will crumble underneath me.
I know...way too much thinking going on around here.
I am passionate, but not sure exactly what about. I love to love, but not exactly sure how. I live and breath people, but deal with the deepest rejection.
Anyway, that was rough and I am sorry if you endured reading through it. I so appreciate the people in my life, constantly wondering how in the world they are there, but however possible, I am grateful for that.
Hope to see signs of the next season soon. Until next time....