Thursday, June 11, 2009


I feel like I am in a really dark place in my life right now. It has been a while since I have updated my blog, mostly because I have had no idea what to say, but also because if I shared what was going on inside then I would just be weird. What is the point of pretending though. I am not a dark person at all, in fact I am usually full of joy and very optimistic. I am in a desperate place in my life that I have shoved to the side because, lets face it, who really wants to be around someone like that. I know I don't enjoy it!

I guess my question is, is there a way out of this? Is it just a season, it feels like a terribly long season that I would greatly appreciate being over as soon as possible. I feel as though I am always opposite of everyone else. Amazing things are happening to me and everyone else in a rough spot and when everyone else is in the midst of amazing things, I am going through rough stuff. Is it all my own perspective or what? It is the outside the window looking in feeling where I so desperately want to be a part but I am pounding on the window for someone to see me, but no one does.

I am surrounded by completely amazing people and still absolutely believe I have to hide myself from them. How sad and horrible is that. It eats at me...the stuff really going on inside of me. I have been sick for 3 weeks now and have had to be home and man have I come face to face with myself and it is ugly! I pretend so much and I try to control everything around me to make it all look like it is great. I have let little bits of me out here and there, but that is all.

I often wonder if letting the way I am now just go so I can find myself in God, if that next person I become will just do the same thing. Be fake and pretend. What is so horrible about just being me. How do I know that I have found myself because I am so used to who I have pretended to be for so long. I worry that everything will crumble underneath me.

I know...way too much thinking going on around here.

I am passionate, but not sure exactly what about. I love to love, but not exactly sure how. I live and breath people, but deal with the deepest rejection.

Anyway, that was rough and I am sorry if you endured reading through it. I so appreciate the people in my life, constantly wondering how in the world they are there, but however possible, I am grateful for that.

Hope to see signs of the next season soon. Until next time....


becca said...

Aw Jame hang in there. It's ok to be where you are. Take Jesus with you to the dark places though. If we don't have the lows, how do we appreciate the highs? And how can we relate to others when they are in the dark places if we've never been there? Who wants to be around someone who is constantly happy, in control, never gets down, always knows the answers, etc., but is never real with where and who they really are? Not me. No one truly has it all figured out but keep pressing for what's real.
That all said in my "professional" opinion :) Cuz Lord knows I've lived in the dark place and treasure it...well when I'm out of it, that is. :)
I think you are wonderful and I appreciate your honesty and bravery to even look in mirror...just don't stare too long :) Jesus gets jealous and wants to stare at you!
I love ya!

Raelynn said...

Ditto and Amen to Becca's comment.

I love you Jamie--all of you!! Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, always.

Kirsten Erickson said...

oh gosh girl! this shows that you're a REAL person. everyone of us has gone through this. when this happens to me I always remind myself, "God's mercies are new every morning." having faith in him is not a feeling, it's a choice. trust me baby, it's a season.

Joel said...

Dark yet lovely.

Keep writing. It's cathartic.

Rebecca said...

Jamie, I just read your posting and know, once again, why I love you so much.

If we, as Christians, are supposed to be upset about the dark times, we may as well throw out the entire Book of Psalms, right? You're just expressing what it is to be human, expressing your need for change, expressing the longing of your heart to be fully who God made you to be and that's a beautiful thing.

I agree with Becca that you need to bring Jesus into the dark times and that we can't fully appreciate the good times or minister to others unless we've experienced these things personally.

Just keep moving forward. There will be light at the end of the tunnel but you need to keep going. Whatever it is that you need to learn here will be for your good when it's all said and done.

You are beautiful, Jamie. I loved you the moment I saw that amazing sparkle in your eye. I can do nothing but smile when I think of you and the destiny you have in God.

Love you and am praying for you.

Tara said...

A Christian mystic, Saint John of the Cross called this "The Dark Night of the Soul"

The great part is that joy comes in the morning! Thank you for writing. Thank you for sharing. There is so much beauty, so much freedom in your words. Keep being honest. It will free you and also release others who read.