Tuesday, October 28, 2014

...all part of the process.

Yep, it has been a while yet again. This time was a more purposeful break. I don't want to come across as targeting people or complaining, but just to express my thoughts, feelings, and processes and how to get to other side better than I was before. I convinced myself to stop blogging, because it seemed to hard to hear people's responses at that time. I was struggling with trying to be my….well there is more on that below…it is all part of the process.

I am so blessed by the friendships in my life. God uses them so much to encourage me and to help me keep going forward. I am officially divorced and I just moved out on my own with my kiddos in my own apartment. Wonderful yet terrifying all at the same time.

The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions of all sorts. I have left relationships, cut off relationships, developed new ones, gone deeper with previous relationships, and been encouraged and completely hurt by relationships all at the same time. I am grateful that I got the courage up to go see a therapist, a 'non-christian' one too. I wanted to get an outside perspective and someone that I could tell everything going on inside my little overflowing brain and my broken heart. It has been an incredible journey. I know and can feel myself getting stronger and learning to trust myself or rather God in me, instead of second guessing myself or trying to please everyone. Although difficult, I am loving who I am becoming and where I am at right now. I am making tons of mistakes and falling short every day, but I am so ok with that, because in it all I am learning the depth of God's incredible unconditional, full of grace love for me. It is unreal. I am learning to hear God for myself instead of through others. I am learning that if I make mistake, I am responsible for the outcome and I can't blame anyone else for it. I am learning that sin is just stuff. That is all. STUFF! We can put so much stock into sin and it is just something God uses to get us closer Him, if we let it. I feel like a 'grown up' for the first time in my life and it is the most odd, freeing, empowering, crazy feeling. This is my life, the life God gave to ME! I want to live it to the fullest and and enjoy every single moment of it.

My business is up and growing and I will get my first paycheck this month. I am celebrating :) Now I just need to keep moving forward and do the very best that I can to make improvements and grow. I have 3, with the potential of 6 (one of which will have several under him as well) doctors who I am billing for. It is crazy how I feel like this has been literally handed to me. I have had so many people be so willing to help me with each process. I am grateful. I get so nervous about how I am going to support my kids and all that, but I keep standing on the fact that God has given this to me and He will provide every step of the way, so there I said it out loud God :). He is truly is good.

I feel like now that I have finally just let go of the trying so hard to be the perfect Jamie i.e. the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect daughter, the perfect employee, the perfect christian (exhausting, I know) and life has felt like it has crumbled all around me, but I honestly feel like my life has become real. Life has value. Life is beautiful. I know who the 'real' people in my life are. I know who God really is in me. I don't fear like I used to. I am ok if you don't like me or disagree with me. It is my life. I get to live it.

Btw, my kids are also doing well. They definitely have their moments and things are hard for them as well, but I try to be as open and honest as I can with them about everything they feel they need to know (within reason). I am amazed at the questions they ask, the responses they give, and they way they are processing. I was so afraid because of what some said, so my only option was to be real with them and give them to God and I know that He is in work in each of their hearts. I have amazing kids.

Relief, joy, gladness, sadness, anger, anxiety, doubt, confusion, amazement, exhaustion, beauty, confidence, insecurity, HOPE, forgiveness, realness, rawness, honesty, trust, heartbreak, grief…these are just some of the emotions that have hit hard in the past month.

...it is all part of the process. Might as well enjoy it. :)