Somedays I wonder if I should continue to write down this process for others to see, because some just don't like it. Others don't allow people to process, they want the end result right now and if it isn't exact, it is being done incorrectly. I am such a people person. I love people, I love relationships. I love the ups and downs, the wonderfulness and the difficulty of relationships. I have also began to love just having space too, which is rare for me. I find that just being alone makes me feel safe and ok to just be me. It is difficult during hard times to not let people get under your skin or allow people to drown you in their opinions or where they think you should be. I understand people mean well, but sometimes I feel we just need to let people be and just love them through their process.
My reason for wanting to be brave and write out loud is because there isn't much resource out there that for Christians who have gone through divorce. There are plenty of resources for bashing the ex, which I don't want to do either. I hope to be a resource of fresh air and life giving for whomever needs it, even if it just to get it out from inside of me, that is good.
It has been 7 months since our separation began. It doesn't seem like 7 months. It feels like just a couple. The time flies by, but the individual days at times seems so long. The divorce will be final on September 25th. I think that day will be a very odd day that seems a little bittersweet.
I have begun seeing a 'secular' counselor which I feel is a really good thing as I can get a different perspective and they are completely removed from my relationships. I have gone 3 times and it has been very beneficial. One thing she said to me this week, that has stuck and that I am still grappling with, it if I were stripped of every relationship I had, would I still feel like I am worth something. I'm not entirely sure. I want to get to that point and honestly am not entirely sure how to get there yet either. All part of the process. I am so grateful not to have to do life alone though and wouldn't ever want to. I know some the worlds greatest people and I often wonder how I got so lucky. But I agree with my counselor, that I need to think I'm valuable regardless of the relationships in my life.
My emotional breakdowns are happening a little less now. I have days where I don't cry, but I don't feel like doing anything, that is frustrating. One day I am happy about where I am and the next not so much.
The past couple of weeks have been sort of unemotional actually. More numb feeling than anything. I am not quite sure how to explain it.
I did make a decision to plan out a bunch of fun things to do with my kiddos this month before school starts, to help me get to a point of motivation, We hiked last weekend to Cecret Lake and saw the wildflowers, it was beautiful and wonderful to get out of the city. We are going to go horseback riding next weekend and then come home and have a picnic on the living room floor and play games. We also got tickets to the Timpanogos Story Telling festival. We are going on Friday night to the bedtime stories session. We all dress in our pajamas and get to eat donuts and listen to storytellers. I am super excited about that one :) This has all gotten me excited and helps a lot with where I am at in the process.