Steps

I am loving the rain. A storm speaks so much emotion. I am moving in anger, frustration, unending tears, but then I feel lightning bolts hit every now and then that are these moments in God that are so profound to me, unlike any other time in my life. So cool and refreshing in this time.

This morning an amazing person came and spent time with me and allowed God to speak through her to me. There was warfare, tears, and joy. The most impacting word that has been spoken to me over the past couple of months was 'simplicity'. A normal word, used often, but sounded so different this morning, like God was whispering it to me.

I am so incredibly blessed by my amazing children and the amazing friends and family in my life, but it is all crap if I can't love who I am. I have nothing to give away if I can't find the value or worth inside of me. I have bottomed out and am learning who I truly am and that I DO have so much to give away because of God in me, that is where hope is and with Him I am lovely, beautiful, amazing, powerful, and worth it (just haven't gotten to that point of quite believing that yet). In the meantime I'm dealing with the grossness of my insides, the past beliefs, the pride and selfishness, and the lies I have believed.

I feel so duped by the enemy, but the worst part is I am the one who has handed it right over to him. It is hard to wonder how many things I have lost or missed because of the lies I have believed. Man does it piss me off!

So simplicity, like I said before I think I can do that...that word even gives me hope. Not exactly sure why, but that is pretty typical right now. I almost feel like I am learning to walk all over again. I so just want every moment of this process to be filled with God and nothing else. I am terrified of shoving myself into places or comfortable or habitual beliefs, but then again, I just need to not give in to that and just let God do His thing.

I don't know what else to write....except that there is this full, huge, incredible rainbow in the sky with light illuminating the mountains that is screaming the promises of God that I so absolutely needed to experience.