Seasons

I feel like I am in a really dark place in my life right now. It has been a while since I have updated my blog, mostly because I have had no idea what to say, but also because if I shared what was going on inside then I would just be weird. What is the point of pretending though. I am not a dark person at all, in fact I am usually full of joy and very optimistic. I am in a desperate place in my life that I have shoved to the side because, lets face it, who really wants to be around someone like that. I know I don't enjoy it!

I guess my question is, is there a way out of this? Is it just a season, it feels like a terribly long season that I would greatly appreciate being over as soon as possible. I feel as though I am always opposite of everyone else. Amazing things are happening to me and everyone else in a rough spot and when everyone else is in the midst of amazing things, I am going through rough stuff. Is it all my own perspective or what? It is the outside the window looking in feeling where I so desperately want to be a part but I am pounding on the window for someone to see me, but no one does.

I am surrounded by completely amazing people and still absolutely believe I have to hide myself from them. How sad and horrible is that. It eats at me...the stuff really going on inside of me. I have been sick for 3 weeks now and have had to be home and man have I come face to face with myself and it is ugly! I pretend so much and I try to control everything around me to make it all look like it is great. I have let little bits of me out here and there, but that is all.

I often wonder if letting the way I am now just go so I can find myself in God, if that next person I become will just do the same thing. Be fake and pretend. What is so horrible about just being me. How do I know that I have found myself because I am so used to who I have pretended to be for so long. I worry that everything will crumble underneath me.

I know...way too much thinking going on around here.

I am passionate, but not sure exactly what about. I love to love, but not exactly sure how. I live and breath people, but deal with the deepest rejection.

Anyway, that was rough and I am sorry if you endured reading through it. I so appreciate the people in my life, constantly wondering how in the world they are there, but however possible, I am grateful for that.

Hope to see signs of the next season soon. Until next time....

There's gonna be a party in my tummy!!

Gonna plant a garden, oh yeah yeah. Not sure exactly how, oh yeah yeah!
Can't wait to eat all the veggies, oh yeah yeah, better go work on it now, oh yeah yeah.

Revelation

I absolutely love receiving revelation! It is the greatest feeling EVER. So my husband lost his job last week and we were both in shock that day and a little freaked out. This has happened 3 times in the past 4 years. Just wasn't making sense. So obviously, like a reoccurring dream, I figured God is trying to tell us something, trying to get us to do something different. A friend gave a word that was about limitless possibilities. Wasn't sure what that meant, but trusted God to show us and Oh is He so showing us!!!

It is little by little everyday and it is so exciting. We are choosing not to allow worry and fear overcome us, instead we are choosing joy and thanksgiving in this amazing season of limitless possibilities! I'm praying about which one to tap in to. I have decided that instead of worrying about our needs (cuz God says he will provide for those) I am going to to just keep walking forward and knocking on all those doors till the right one opens :) Be encouraged!! We keep going in this same circle and God is obviously trying to get our attention :) So we are paying attention now. ha ha ha - I am having revelation as I am typing this WOW!! Oh is He so amazing!!!

Could he be anymore insanely wonderful....seriously and to imagine that I am only discovering a very minute part of our incredible God.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and love for us. Who can compare?

Thinking out loud

I so can't do anything without God and His amazing and unfailing love and grace in my life. I am so grateful to know that I have hope to overcome anything that gets in the way of me walking out my destiny, it is just a matter of me fully believing it. I can not even begin to imagine what one mintue, let alone one day, would be like without My Jesus. I get so tired of trying to manage my life and figure things out, like I have some clue what would be best for me! I want to so desperately learn how to fall back into the arms of God and trust Him for every step I take.

He made me to worship Him and He delights in me...yes me! Wow, what an incredibly thought provoking and humbling statement. I know that I would never choose to live without Him. Everything else is just a blurr...

A day in the life of me...

Today began with an early morning, "mom I''m hungry and want some cereal". I dragged my self out of bed in my underwear to pour some cereal for my little man. I sat down at the computer to check my email and heard a really big "OOPS". I didn't even turn around until it hit me that before the oops I heard a "swoosh". An entire pitcher of apple juice poured over the table and onto the carpet. Lydi was in tears..."it was an accident, I just wanted some juice mom". Really it was my fault for not paying attention. I wiped up the juice and sat back down at the computer.

"Uh Oh" I hear after a 'crash'! A jar of jelly fell from the counter onto the kitchen floor. Just another mess to cleanup.

I decided I should probably help with the peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches for breakfast. It then only takes me 2 hours to bathe all 3 of them, get them dressed, teeth brushed, rooms cleaned, and beds made. We are ready to head out the door to get out of the house for a few hours, when I suddenly realize that I haven't showered or brushed my teeth and, oh my, I'm still in my underwear!

So I complete the tasks of getting myself ready to go and by that time, everyone is hungry again and wants to have lunch before we go. So I make yet another meal of peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches (they had some carrots and apples too) and we sit down to eat lunch. After lunch and several arguments with my kiddos about tattling and running around the house with their peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, I looked at the clock and decided it was nap time. So I put the kids down for a nap and by the third time of Lydi coming out of her room and saying, "mom, I forgot to tell you something, I love you", they were finally asleep.

I hurried and picked up the house the best I could, left quite a bit toothpaste smeered across the bathroom sink and there is still some jelly on the kitchen floor and your butt may stick to the chair at the kitchen table, but it 'looks' clean. I pulled some meat out of the freezer to thaw out for dinner, since I forgot to do it this morning. Oh, George said he needed his uniforms cleaned, so I ran some laundry upstairs.

I laid down on the couch to take a much needed break. My eyes close and I start to dose off............"Mom, I'm awake!! Did I take a long nap?" I look up at the clock and realize they had been sleeping for 2 hours. Oh well.

We finally get out of the house and go to McDonalds to burn some energy in the absolutely wonderful indoor play place (don't know what I would do without it). I sit down to eat a happy meal (since I didn't eat any lunch earlier) and just as I'm taking a bite of my cheeseburger, "mom, I have to go to the bathroom." Ok, I get up and grab all 3 of them and run to the bathroom. I get back and try a second time at eating my burger, "mom, I have to go to the bathroom again." AAAHHHHH - is this a test, because I don't think I will pass it. Finally the bathroom runs are over and I actually finish eating my happy? meal.

We are now off to go home and get dinner started for daddy. I think I will do stir fry tonight (it's what we have every night). I finish making dinner and set the table. As I am walking to the table with too many glasses in my hand, I trip over Malakai and one of the glasses drops out of my hand and onto the floor. I don't think the kitchen is very fond of us being in it. I clean up the mess and make sure no little pieces are left. George gets home and we sit down and eat dinner together. For some reason the kids are on their best behavior during dinner. After, they take their plates to sink and go get their jammies on. Daddy reads them a book and they head off to bed.

Now for my favorite time of the day (for more reasons than one). I start off in Lydi and Norah's room. I pray for my precious girls and sing them their bedtime song and Lydi and I have our little talks and she squeezes me and I give her several kisses. Then next is Kai's room, where I pray and sing for him also. Again another squeeze and kiss and then I wrap him up like a worm and we lay giggling together.

It is never quiet, rarely calm, hardly clean. I love my kids so much and can't ever imagine my life without them. Thank you God for blessing me with such amazing little creatures!!!!

In the mood

I am so in the mood for Pj's, fuzzy slippers, a chick flick, cupcakes, pirates booty, and some Lambrusco. I need a girls night!

Just thinkin...

We got back from a trip to Vanuatu about a month ago and I have been processing through so much. It is crazy to me how much went on, although I am still yet to discover all that happened in me. Always a process coming back from there. It can be hard, when you love a place, but find it extremely uncomfortable at the same time. I have such a different experience in Vanuatu when I am there with George. I experience the real culture and that at times is very difficult for me. I often talk with God about the idea of moving there and although it terrifies me, I know that it will happen eventually. I trust that God will get me ready for that time. My kids love it and fit in so well, it is amazing to watch them.



I spent some time talking with one of my nieces in Vila and she was asking me questions about the US and of course I was totally excited to answer them. When I finished her response was, "Wow, I could never live there, our lives here are so easy and your life sounds so complicated." It was true, but I think you love the place you grew up, no matter what that place was like.

Once upon a time I wanted to live my life in the outermost parts of the earth. Now that I have children, it just seems crazy to do that. It actually frustrates me at times. Once again, just another thing that I have left to God to change in me, if that is His desire.