MYTHS

So the last post I did turns out to be a complete myth. That just makes me sad that people make up stories like this when it is completely not true. I'm a little discouraged, but glad I know the truth too. Although I still completely believe that God wants us to learn to hide in Him being completely exposed and bare and allowing Him to renew us. Eagles do not renew themselves from what I have researched. Please if anyone has facts on this that are different, please let me know. I am totally curious now. Thanks Rebecca for letting me know as I did my own research as well, after the fact. Good learning experience....lovin the process :)

What a beauty He is!

My wonderful friend Laura gave me this article today that ministered to me so much that I want to try and share with you...it was talking about eagles and how there is a point in an eagles life where is gets old and has to make a choice to renew its strength or to just wait out its time to die. It is the only animal that can actually renew its strength. As an eagle grows old it develops crustacean around its beak and its feathers start to break and fall out. If the eagle chooses to have its strength renewed it goes off to find a cave that can sustain it through the amount of time it needs to go through this process. The cave must have food and water nearby.

Once it finds this cave it begins to scratch of this crustacean off with the rock and it begins to pluck out its feathers out one by one all while sitting inside this cave hidden in 'the rock'. It does this until it is completely bare and everything is exposed. You can see every scratch and scar on its body. Three times a day the eagle goes to a waterfall and stands under the water for a long period of time. It takes 30 days for the wings to grow back and another week for oil sacks to grow under its wings and the process to end.

There are so many parallels to us and our Creator and how He wants us to hide in Him and get completely bare and uncovered and allow Him to wash over us and renew our strength and give us fresh oil. I think it looks different in each persons life too. I think I am finding out that the place where this happens to me is in a very childlike way. I find myself going to a place in my imagination with God where I can be like a child just spending time with him and talking with Him about what is going on with me. It is also a place where there are no stresses or cares of my daily life. There is freedom to be me and to be bare and exposed without any judgment or condemnation.

What a beauty you are Jesus...

Delight!

I love reading blogs and I love writing them too, but to find the time...uh....it just isn't there. Oh well, I will spend the small amount of time I have reading about all the amazing people around me and as soon as I can just sit down and blog myself for a bit, I will :) I still am alive and busy trying to figure out the ball of confusion in my life right now, but so completely enjoying reading blogs, especially cause I don't have time to read books, what a delight it brings me!

One Great Weekend!

Had the best time with my husband this past weekend. The kids spent the night at my mom's house and George and I sat at home a talked about amazing things for about 2 hours. Then we got up and went out for some yummy Thai food and thought about a movie, but instead joined friends and family at a club called 'Keys on Main', where there was some piano battling going on. We stayed for about an hour and then went home and talked about our dreams for another hour or so.

Woke up Saturday with nothing to do, which was an incredibly amazing feeling. We got up and went out to the big Farmer's Market downtown. We ate food and checked out all the fabulous art, and purchased some fresh fruits and veggies to go with our gourmet lunch we decided to make at my moms house.

We held hands, laughed, and dreamed, which is something that hasn't happened in a REALLY long time. It was the best 2 days! I love you babe!

Steps

I am loving the rain. A storm speaks so much emotion. I am moving in anger, frustration, unending tears, but then I feel lightning bolts hit every now and then that are these moments in God that are so profound to me, unlike any other time in my life. So cool and refreshing in this time.

This morning an amazing person came and spent time with me and allowed God to speak through her to me. There was warfare, tears, and joy. The most impacting word that has been spoken to me over the past couple of months was 'simplicity'. A normal word, used often, but sounded so different this morning, like God was whispering it to me.

I am so incredibly blessed by my amazing children and the amazing friends and family in my life, but it is all crap if I can't love who I am. I have nothing to give away if I can't find the value or worth inside of me. I have bottomed out and am learning who I truly am and that I DO have so much to give away because of God in me, that is where hope is and with Him I am lovely, beautiful, amazing, powerful, and worth it (just haven't gotten to that point of quite believing that yet). In the meantime I'm dealing with the grossness of my insides, the past beliefs, the pride and selfishness, and the lies I have believed.

I feel so duped by the enemy, but the worst part is I am the one who has handed it right over to him. It is hard to wonder how many things I have lost or missed because of the lies I have believed. Man does it piss me off!

So simplicity, like I said before I think I can do that...that word even gives me hope. Not exactly sure why, but that is pretty typical right now. I almost feel like I am learning to walk all over again. I so just want every moment of this process to be filled with God and nothing else. I am terrified of shoving myself into places or comfortable or habitual beliefs, but then again, I just need to not give in to that and just let God do His thing.

I don't know what else to write....except that there is this full, huge, incredible rainbow in the sky with light illuminating the mountains that is screaming the promises of God that I so absolutely needed to experience.

The end of myself

Well, that's it, I came to the end of myself, whoever that was. I thought it was the worst place to be in and thought there was nothing left to hold on to, so I ran. I would have kept going and probably done something really stupid, but because of the amazing little treasures that God has given me and I'm sure His grace, I came back to reality.

So now for the journey back up the mountain, the mountain of God instead of the mountain I had created. I had an incredible conversation that I really was fighting to not listen to, but it helped me make a little more sense of what happened to me. I thought I had snapped, time to check me in, but it was that I hit rock bottom of my life or actually myself. I now am beginning to realize that I am right where God wants me to be. Although incredibly confusing it makes some sense.

The night this happened I screamed and screamed at God and threw all my expectations, hopes, dreams, etc out the window and was also very aware of my fear, selfishness, pride, and all the issues that have paralyzed for me way too long. That night I sat in a pool of that stuff, for what felt like a really long time. I wanted to throw up and I wanted to be done.

I have really struggled with figuring out how to move from this place of knowing a lot, but believing very little and coming face to face with what I have allowed to build inside and realizing why I feel I am not worth it. It is all things that I have built up in myself or allowed other people to build in me. I guess I will begin by taking it slow and one day at a time and just allowing myself to be opinionated (a whole new idea to me) and emotional and whatever else I need to allow myself to process. Whether I lose relationship or not, those who truly love me will love me in my complete wretchedness. I have a feeling I will be pretty wretched in this process, but I am ok with that. I want to be filled entirely by Him, everything of Him, all of Him. I want to be who I am supposed to be, who I am created to be, no matter how long that takes. No more worrying what people think and if they won't like me or that I have nothing to offer, if I am oozing with Jesus, well then everyone will want to know me, because of Him.

I am understanding so much by simply writing, this is amazing. I want my reality to be God and His amazingness, not a striving to be pieces of everyone else.

Thanks for loving me through my discovery. Now on to my journey.....

Seasons

I feel like I am in a really dark place in my life right now. It has been a while since I have updated my blog, mostly because I have had no idea what to say, but also because if I shared what was going on inside then I would just be weird. What is the point of pretending though. I am not a dark person at all, in fact I am usually full of joy and very optimistic. I am in a desperate place in my life that I have shoved to the side because, lets face it, who really wants to be around someone like that. I know I don't enjoy it!

I guess my question is, is there a way out of this? Is it just a season, it feels like a terribly long season that I would greatly appreciate being over as soon as possible. I feel as though I am always opposite of everyone else. Amazing things are happening to me and everyone else in a rough spot and when everyone else is in the midst of amazing things, I am going through rough stuff. Is it all my own perspective or what? It is the outside the window looking in feeling where I so desperately want to be a part but I am pounding on the window for someone to see me, but no one does.

I am surrounded by completely amazing people and still absolutely believe I have to hide myself from them. How sad and horrible is that. It eats at me...the stuff really going on inside of me. I have been sick for 3 weeks now and have had to be home and man have I come face to face with myself and it is ugly! I pretend so much and I try to control everything around me to make it all look like it is great. I have let little bits of me out here and there, but that is all.

I often wonder if letting the way I am now just go so I can find myself in God, if that next person I become will just do the same thing. Be fake and pretend. What is so horrible about just being me. How do I know that I have found myself because I am so used to who I have pretended to be for so long. I worry that everything will crumble underneath me.

I know...way too much thinking going on around here.

I am passionate, but not sure exactly what about. I love to love, but not exactly sure how. I live and breath people, but deal with the deepest rejection.

Anyway, that was rough and I am sorry if you endured reading through it. I so appreciate the people in my life, constantly wondering how in the world they are there, but however possible, I am grateful for that.

Hope to see signs of the next season soon. Until next time....

There's gonna be a party in my tummy!!

Gonna plant a garden, oh yeah yeah. Not sure exactly how, oh yeah yeah!
Can't wait to eat all the veggies, oh yeah yeah, better go work on it now, oh yeah yeah.

Revelation

I absolutely love receiving revelation! It is the greatest feeling EVER. So my husband lost his job last week and we were both in shock that day and a little freaked out. This has happened 3 times in the past 4 years. Just wasn't making sense. So obviously, like a reoccurring dream, I figured God is trying to tell us something, trying to get us to do something different. A friend gave a word that was about limitless possibilities. Wasn't sure what that meant, but trusted God to show us and Oh is He so showing us!!!

It is little by little everyday and it is so exciting. We are choosing not to allow worry and fear overcome us, instead we are choosing joy and thanksgiving in this amazing season of limitless possibilities! I'm praying about which one to tap in to. I have decided that instead of worrying about our needs (cuz God says he will provide for those) I am going to to just keep walking forward and knocking on all those doors till the right one opens :) Be encouraged!! We keep going in this same circle and God is obviously trying to get our attention :) So we are paying attention now. ha ha ha - I am having revelation as I am typing this WOW!! Oh is He so amazing!!!

Could he be anymore insanely wonderful....seriously and to imagine that I am only discovering a very minute part of our incredible God.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness and love for us. Who can compare?

Thinking out loud

I so can't do anything without God and His amazing and unfailing love and grace in my life. I am so grateful to know that I have hope to overcome anything that gets in the way of me walking out my destiny, it is just a matter of me fully believing it. I can not even begin to imagine what one mintue, let alone one day, would be like without My Jesus. I get so tired of trying to manage my life and figure things out, like I have some clue what would be best for me! I want to so desperately learn how to fall back into the arms of God and trust Him for every step I take.

He made me to worship Him and He delights in me...yes me! Wow, what an incredibly thought provoking and humbling statement. I know that I would never choose to live without Him. Everything else is just a blurr...

A day in the life of me...

Today began with an early morning, "mom I''m hungry and want some cereal". I dragged my self out of bed in my underwear to pour some cereal for my little man. I sat down at the computer to check my email and heard a really big "OOPS". I didn't even turn around until it hit me that before the oops I heard a "swoosh". An entire pitcher of apple juice poured over the table and onto the carpet. Lydi was in tears..."it was an accident, I just wanted some juice mom". Really it was my fault for not paying attention. I wiped up the juice and sat back down at the computer.

"Uh Oh" I hear after a 'crash'! A jar of jelly fell from the counter onto the kitchen floor. Just another mess to cleanup.

I decided I should probably help with the peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches for breakfast. It then only takes me 2 hours to bathe all 3 of them, get them dressed, teeth brushed, rooms cleaned, and beds made. We are ready to head out the door to get out of the house for a few hours, when I suddenly realize that I haven't showered or brushed my teeth and, oh my, I'm still in my underwear!

So I complete the tasks of getting myself ready to go and by that time, everyone is hungry again and wants to have lunch before we go. So I make yet another meal of peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches (they had some carrots and apples too) and we sit down to eat lunch. After lunch and several arguments with my kiddos about tattling and running around the house with their peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, I looked at the clock and decided it was nap time. So I put the kids down for a nap and by the third time of Lydi coming out of her room and saying, "mom, I forgot to tell you something, I love you", they were finally asleep.

I hurried and picked up the house the best I could, left quite a bit toothpaste smeered across the bathroom sink and there is still some jelly on the kitchen floor and your butt may stick to the chair at the kitchen table, but it 'looks' clean. I pulled some meat out of the freezer to thaw out for dinner, since I forgot to do it this morning. Oh, George said he needed his uniforms cleaned, so I ran some laundry upstairs.

I laid down on the couch to take a much needed break. My eyes close and I start to dose off............"Mom, I'm awake!! Did I take a long nap?" I look up at the clock and realize they had been sleeping for 2 hours. Oh well.

We finally get out of the house and go to McDonalds to burn some energy in the absolutely wonderful indoor play place (don't know what I would do without it). I sit down to eat a happy meal (since I didn't eat any lunch earlier) and just as I'm taking a bite of my cheeseburger, "mom, I have to go to the bathroom." Ok, I get up and grab all 3 of them and run to the bathroom. I get back and try a second time at eating my burger, "mom, I have to go to the bathroom again." AAAHHHHH - is this a test, because I don't think I will pass it. Finally the bathroom runs are over and I actually finish eating my happy? meal.

We are now off to go home and get dinner started for daddy. I think I will do stir fry tonight (it's what we have every night). I finish making dinner and set the table. As I am walking to the table with too many glasses in my hand, I trip over Malakai and one of the glasses drops out of my hand and onto the floor. I don't think the kitchen is very fond of us being in it. I clean up the mess and make sure no little pieces are left. George gets home and we sit down and eat dinner together. For some reason the kids are on their best behavior during dinner. After, they take their plates to sink and go get their jammies on. Daddy reads them a book and they head off to bed.

Now for my favorite time of the day (for more reasons than one). I start off in Lydi and Norah's room. I pray for my precious girls and sing them their bedtime song and Lydi and I have our little talks and she squeezes me and I give her several kisses. Then next is Kai's room, where I pray and sing for him also. Again another squeeze and kiss and then I wrap him up like a worm and we lay giggling together.

It is never quiet, rarely calm, hardly clean. I love my kids so much and can't ever imagine my life without them. Thank you God for blessing me with such amazing little creatures!!!!

In the mood

I am so in the mood for Pj's, fuzzy slippers, a chick flick, cupcakes, pirates booty, and some Lambrusco. I need a girls night!

Just thinkin...

We got back from a trip to Vanuatu about a month ago and I have been processing through so much. It is crazy to me how much went on, although I am still yet to discover all that happened in me. Always a process coming back from there. It can be hard, when you love a place, but find it extremely uncomfortable at the same time. I have such a different experience in Vanuatu when I am there with George. I experience the real culture and that at times is very difficult for me. I often talk with God about the idea of moving there and although it terrifies me, I know that it will happen eventually. I trust that God will get me ready for that time. My kids love it and fit in so well, it is amazing to watch them.



I spent some time talking with one of my nieces in Vila and she was asking me questions about the US and of course I was totally excited to answer them. When I finished her response was, "Wow, I could never live there, our lives here are so easy and your life sounds so complicated." It was true, but I think you love the place you grew up, no matter what that place was like.

Once upon a time I wanted to live my life in the outermost parts of the earth. Now that I have children, it just seems crazy to do that. It actually frustrates me at times. Once again, just another thing that I have left to God to change in me, if that is His desire.

You can call me your 'little dude', mom

For months we talked with Kai about giving up his most prized possession, his blanket. We had determined that he would leave it in Vanuatu and become a big boy by joining the 'No Blanket Club'. We wanted to light a fire, paint our faces, and have a little island ceremony and have him throw it in there. We thought about doing it 2 days before heading back home, that way he would get out all of the tantrums before the 27 hour trip. 4 days before we are leaving he wakes up and hands me his blanket and says, "mom you can have it now". I said several times, "are you sure?" and he stated he was sure. So I took it from him knowing that he would not see it again.


A couple of hours later he cried for his blanket and then a couple of hours after that he screamed for it. Then before bed he just laid there, teary eyed and said he missed his blanket and then went to sleep.

The next morning he woke up totally fine and said mom, you can call me your 'little dude' now (he would never let me call him that before). He is a big boy now! I was so proud of him. He is 3 years old and he made the decision on his own...he even grieved over it like we grieve over the loss of something we love. How amazing are you Malakai!

Where it all begins

This is definitely not something that I am fabulous at or anything, so hopefully this will just be simple, fun, and entertaining.

I have a wonderful husband, George, who is from the island nation of Vanuatu, he is wonderful and such an amazing dad. I think he is incredibly brave for moving his life here to start a new life with me. He played international soccer, 'futbol' for all the true fans, and was pretty stinkin good at it.

Life is an endless adventure for us as we are living 2 completely different cultures out together.

My kids are pretty incredible!! My oldest is 5 now and her name is Lydiane. She brings us so much joy! She has a very strong personality and both George and I know that God has incredible things over her life and it is our job to help her grow into those things. I believe she will have a passion for justice!



Our second, Malakai is our little man who is 3 years old and he completely makes me melt. He is so sweet and tender-hearted and is always reminds me to just sit down and rest with my kids and cuddle them. He is a tender warrior and you have blessed us more than we could ever describe.


Our last one is little Norah who came into the world on Sept 24. She is so sweet and has an amazing temperament. She has been a bit of a shock to us as she is a light skinned, blue eyed, red head. She reminds of one of those children in the vintage photographs. Children are such blessings from God.

What fun! Never a dull moment! When I stop and really think about my life, I am amazed at what God has given me, simply because He loves me!